Confuzzled

He has a girlfriend...I'm not stupid, I know it means I can't have him. He's beautiful. I know the logic behind it, and I know the right thing is too back away, but I can't help thinking that she's not right for him. He belongs with me! So I'll just explain the last couple of weeks totally logically. Kinda.

He stopped talking to me. It must've been about 3(?) weeks ago. I had no idea why. Normally when he pulls stunts like that, he'll explain to me why he's doing it when I ask...This time, nothing. He drove me mad. I knew he had a fresh girlfriend, so I origionally figured that was it. He was loved up with another girl, so felt the need to shut his previous love out. But as the days went by I started to worry it was something else. Maybe he actually hated me. It doesn't seem like a totally illogical idea to me. So I began to accept it. Started texting him less, I mean if I didn't try to talk to him as much, then I wouldn't be so disappointed when he ignored me, right? Well it didn't work. I thought about him all the time, and just wanted him to realise I was still here, and that I couldn't let go of him as easily as he did me.

Then I realised my birthday was drawing sooner. And I wanted him there at my party, and he knew I did. He'd already said he would come, but that was before he started acting like I didn't exist. So I kept trying to ask him. His lack of an answer was doing my head in. I kept crossing him off my list. Then adding him back on. It was very confusing for my family to see this random person changing their mind so often, but in reality I was changing my mind about wanting him there.

A few days ago, I was complaining about him to my little brother. He said he'll try texting him for me, but without saying who he was. At this point I just felt so desperate that I was willing to try anything. So I agreed to it. A few mins after Nik sent his message, he got a reply. I was furious. Why could he talk to an unknown person, but NOT ME? Nik mentioned my party, asked him if he was going, he replied saying he would be if he could get a lift and asked who else was going. Once again I was not impressed, why couldn't he ask me that? Nik replied saying that he would have to ask me...But nothing...

Much later that night, I was laying in bed, totally unable to sleep. He was on my mind so much, and I was so angry with him. At that point, I only wanted him to come to my party so I could slap him. I couldn't sleep, that's how much I was thinking of him. So for the first time in days, I texted him..."I hate that I can't sleep. And I hate that it's because of you. (But I don't hate you) xx"...And he replied! I was in huge shock, but I took that as my opportunity. He explained that he didn't hate me, but didn't explain what had been going on. But I actually didn't mind. He was speaking to me, that's all I cared about. In fact, when he seemed to be overly friendly, I didn't even notice straight away. But he added so many kisses and was talking about seeing me like he actually cared. For a moment I believed he was single again. Anyway we spoke until the very early hours in the morning, and I only got about 4 hours sleep that night. But I didn't care. I had him back.

The next day, I had to check. I went onto his facebook and saw that he does still have a girlfriend, and she seems incredibly happy. He had said to me the night before that he was only just still "hanging in there" with life, so I know he's still depressed. I kinda felt briefly sorry for her, since he so obviously doesn't want her, but then decided it's her own fault if she gets hurt...She shouldn't be so blind to his hurt, and should let him be happy.

I actually decided I wasn't going to text him first that next day, just in case it was a fluke, and he was going to go back to ignoring me. But he texted me and we had a decent conversation. He still cares, I could tell that much. And I stupidly felt every feeling I had for him, that I had pushed away in the past couple weeks, coming back. I still care for him more than I want him to know. And the next days after this were the same. He has spoken to me first every day since then, and you know what, even though he's still with her, I have hope. I miss him, and he misses me. Other people can see it, so why isn't he?

Anyway, it's actually my party tomorrow. He'll be there. And as one of my best friend's said, "it's your birthday, it shouldn't matter that he has a girlfriend, go for it" and you know what? I think I actually may. I want to see him first, see how he acts towards me, see if in person his feelings appear so apparent. But I'm pretty sure they will. And even if I don't go for it, and we do only remain friends, I'm lucky to have him in my life, I know that. I never want to lose him.

xxxxx