It was seriously wow!
He picked me up from home at half past 5 and we went onto Spoons. His driving was pretty scary tbh but I felt totally safe with him. I was so nervous before hand, and when he first arrived I was pretty shy, but within a few minutes I was totally relaxed with him. He wouldn't let me buy my own drink there, and he was opening doors for me and stuff. We talked a lot, then decided to go see a film. So we saw 2012, which weren't too bad, but I was very aware that I was sitting next to an incredibly hot guy the whole way through, so I was kinda distracted. He also wouldn't let me pay for my cinema ticket. When the film ended, it was freezing cold outside, and I was shivering real bad, so he was kinda holding me close to keep me warm. We then went back to Spoons where he bought me another drink. Then it got to the point where he had to take me home, and I actually really didn't want to leave him. But he took me home, and he kissed me. Like a pretty intense kiss that was just sooo good. He tasted like mint and cider lol. And then asked if I'd like to do that again sometime, then left. And that was it. The night was over.
And he has literally just asked me to go out with him tomorrow as well.
I'm just so happy right now :)
xxx
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Monday, 14 December 2009
No date?
He's ill.
So he's had to cancel it for tonight.
Instead he's suggested just having tomorrow afternoon onwards together and just doing whatever we feel like.
I quite like that idea :)
xxx
So he's had to cancel it for tonight.
Instead he's suggested just having tomorrow afternoon onwards together and just doing whatever we feel like.
I quite like that idea :)
xxx
Sunday, 13 December 2009
Date?
I have a date tomorrow night?
I have no idea what to wear.
Ohhmygodd.
I'm so excited/nervous!!
xxx
I have no idea what to wear.
Ohhmygodd.
I'm so excited/nervous!!
xxx
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Twoo days to go :)
There's 3 pregnant women. The 1st women says "I did it on my side so I'm gonna have a baby boy." The 2nd women says "I did it on my back so I'm gonna have a baby girl." Then they see the blonde crying and they ask what's the matter and she says "I'm gonna have puppies."
I'm soo stupidly tired. I keep having really vivd dreams about a few things I'd rather not think about. So that when I finally do fall asleep, I keep waking. It's horrible. I've not had a decent night's sleep for a while.
But despite that; I'm really excited to be coming homee in like two days :) I can't wait to see people. And it'll be amazing to just be able to sleep in my own bed again. I really should start packing lol. Whoop!! :)
I'm missing The Brink at the met lounge tonight. Which is slightly disappointing. But I'm seeing them next Friday and the Sunday after that, which I really can't wait for. I've missed seeing them nearly more than I've missed my family!! Lol :) check them out: www.myspace.com/thebrinkband :)
So yeah, that's almost a completely positive post haha.
Much love, xxx
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
8/12/09
Just bare with me here. I just need to write, so God knows if this will make any sense.
I've hardly slept in days. Sunday night I had about four hours, last night I had roughly five. I know it's really not healthy and I'm so exhausted it's rediculous. It's now half past midnight and I can't sleep.
I had to go to court today for my seminar. It was actually quite interesting to begin with. Got shown around and things were explained to us. And the judge was a really nice guy. So I was beginning to think that maybe it was worth me having to get up an extra hour early for this special seminar.
They had a list of cases going on in different courts, and we were to sit in on one of them. Of course our tutor didn't want to put us into one that would be boring, but he also didn't want to put us into something "traumatic" like murder (btw there weren't actually any murder cases on, that was just an example he gave us). So he chose for us to go into a case which was only on it's second day, so we'd have a chance to see a case which had only just begun. It was a sexual abuse case, where a step-father figure had abused a young boy throughout the 80s and the boy had only came to the police about this last year. We went into the court and the abused was called to the stand and they showed his initial interview with the police on a screen for the jury to see. The abuser was in a glass box at the back of the court. They showed the video for about an hour. And I was trying so hard not to cry. It really made me think. There was this guy who had been abused so long ago, being brave and standing infront of the courts and telling the jury what had happened to him. And I was thinking how there was no chance that I would ever be able to do that. How the guy who tried to rape me will never be sentenced because I would never be able to stand in front of the court and say what had happened to me. So he will just go free. And fuck knows, maybe he will attempt it with some other girl, maybe he already has., but I can't face him. After they showed that part of the video, we all went out for a break. And my tutor was asking us about how we were finding it, I just felt faint. The abuser was free to just walk about during this break as well, he came right by us and I was actually so scared. It was one of those times where I was scared into silence. They went back in after the break to see how the rest of the trial would go about today. I couldn't. I couldn't go back in there and listen to more of that. I couldn't stand how his abuse was making me think of my attack. And it scared me so badly.
I've not been able to think of anything else all day. And I just wanted a big hug from Gary, which clearly I couldn't have since it's so far between us. He asked me what was up, but I just told him I didn't want to talk about it. I just needed him here :(
I hate feeling like this, I just don't know what to do with myself. Everyone else was actually excited that we were getting to sit in such a high profiled case. I just couldn't wait to be out of there. I actually don't want to have to see my tutor again because I know he noticed that I'd gone pale and silent when we came out. I don't want questions.
Ugh I want to go home now please.
xxx
I've hardly slept in days. Sunday night I had about four hours, last night I had roughly five. I know it's really not healthy and I'm so exhausted it's rediculous. It's now half past midnight and I can't sleep.
I had to go to court today for my seminar. It was actually quite interesting to begin with. Got shown around and things were explained to us. And the judge was a really nice guy. So I was beginning to think that maybe it was worth me having to get up an extra hour early for this special seminar.
They had a list of cases going on in different courts, and we were to sit in on one of them. Of course our tutor didn't want to put us into one that would be boring, but he also didn't want to put us into something "traumatic" like murder (btw there weren't actually any murder cases on, that was just an example he gave us). So he chose for us to go into a case which was only on it's second day, so we'd have a chance to see a case which had only just begun. It was a sexual abuse case, where a step-father figure had abused a young boy throughout the 80s and the boy had only came to the police about this last year. We went into the court and the abused was called to the stand and they showed his initial interview with the police on a screen for the jury to see. The abuser was in a glass box at the back of the court. They showed the video for about an hour. And I was trying so hard not to cry. It really made me think. There was this guy who had been abused so long ago, being brave and standing infront of the courts and telling the jury what had happened to him. And I was thinking how there was no chance that I would ever be able to do that. How the guy who tried to rape me will never be sentenced because I would never be able to stand in front of the court and say what had happened to me. So he will just go free. And fuck knows, maybe he will attempt it with some other girl, maybe he already has., but I can't face him. After they showed that part of the video, we all went out for a break. And my tutor was asking us about how we were finding it, I just felt faint. The abuser was free to just walk about during this break as well, he came right by us and I was actually so scared. It was one of those times where I was scared into silence. They went back in after the break to see how the rest of the trial would go about today. I couldn't. I couldn't go back in there and listen to more of that. I couldn't stand how his abuse was making me think of my attack. And it scared me so badly.
I've not been able to think of anything else all day. And I just wanted a big hug from Gary, which clearly I couldn't have since it's so far between us. He asked me what was up, but I just told him I didn't want to talk about it. I just needed him here :(
I hate feeling like this, I just don't know what to do with myself. Everyone else was actually excited that we were getting to sit in such a high profiled case. I just couldn't wait to be out of there. I actually don't want to have to see my tutor again because I know he noticed that I'd gone pale and silent when we came out. I don't want questions.
Ugh I want to go home now please.
xxx
Saturday, 5 December 2009
~ twirly whirly ~
I'd rather eat my soup with a fork
Or drive a cab to New York
Cause to talk to you is harder work
So what's the point in wasting all my words
If it's just the same, or even worse
Than reading poems to a horse
Shakira: Poem To A Horse
Ahh man, this totally sums up what it's like trying to talk to Michael atm. It's not good and I really hate it. But what can I do. He's being a right twat, and I can't change that no matter how much I hate it. Godd, I miss him.
I actually have nothing to report on here :/ like I have absolutely no idea what to write. But I hadn't been on here for a while so I figured I should post something...
Whooop!
xxx
Friday, 27 November 2009
Complicatedd
So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one
Boys Like Girls ft Taylor Swift: Two Is Better Than One
Don't you just hate complications.
Don't you just hate it when you feel like hating your best friend?
I had an early(ish) night last night. I felt like shit, so I just went to bed at about half 11. I got a text like just before 1am, woke me up. I saw it was from Zoe, and actually told me phone to leave me alone. But then felt really guilty when I saw she was really upset and how much she wanted me there because I was the only person who could make her feel better. I was just like awh bless, so went about trying to make her feel a bit better. Then she nicely tagged on the end "btw i slept in the same bed as mike and kissed him while i was with ben sorry ***** iunno what came over me.Sorry forgive me XxXxxxx"
So naturally that pissed me off majorly. My best friend and my ex. My ex who I've been wanting so much recently. But she didn't know that. As far as she's aware, I've moved on from him completely, so I just carried on letting her think that. But at least that explains why he has been kinda distant with me recently.
She's a babe, and I'm actually pleased she told me. I'm glad we've remained so close even though we're so far apart. And he's such a good friend, because he was just comforting her. I've realised now that although I hate that it happened, it really didn't mean anything. And they both still mean so much to me.
So yeah, I still want him. But I've totally accepted that I can't have him. Stupid, eh? If I'd just said yes to him a few weeks ago, I wouldn't be having this problem now...
xxx
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Letter #2
Hey Mr ** hott rock star **
I think even you've probably noticed how things have become different between us recently. Like how when I first came here, I just had to talk to you everyday. So we ended up talking everyday about any random thing. And I felt us getting closer; I really liked that. Because I really liked you. But now, things have changed. I guess you felt that when you asked if I still wanted you to take me out. But I said "yes" so everything should've been back on track. But it's not. I know it's not, and I guess you know that too.
I've only ever mentioned my ex to you once. Remember that? I was trying to stop one of my friends from hurting him. And you asked something about him not being a nice person. And I jumped straight back in defending him; "No, he's not. He's a lovely person." I stand by that 100%. Because he is such a good person. And too good for me for certain.
Maybe that was a clue to you that I still liked him. Maybe not. I don't really know. But it was definately a clue to me that I really liked him.
He still likes me. He didn't hesitate in telling me that. Up until that point I thought I knew I wanted you. But when he told me he still had feelings for me, that bought back my old feelings for him. I never stopped liking him. I just moved on and let myself like someone else at the same time.
But me and him. Our relationship was pretty intense. And not something I can easily put behind me.
He wants me back. He made that very clear. And when I told him now wasn't the right time for that, he couldn't understand. Because I told him in a way that was open to us getting back together in the future. I couldn't say "no" to him. And when I tried, it was a "I wish we could go back too, BUT..." and that's not turning someone down at all.
Especially when I was lying in bed one night and I just really wanted him there. And I told him that. And it seemed like we'd managed to go back to how we were, just by me saying that one thing. Then he stopped texting me, and you came back from a gig and started. That's when you asked me out. And I said "yes" whilst totally aware of where my true feelings were.
But I told myself it was just a relapse. I'm not going back to him. And that was just the final thing I needed to get out of my system.
However, I ended up doing pretty much the same thing the next night. Texted him asking him to warm me up. And again going back to how we were. But again, after he stopped texting, you came back from another gig and started. And when I mentioned being cold, you said how you wished you were here with me to warm me up. Made me realise everything I've been doing is just leading you on.
I want you; but I want him more.
So although I won't be getting back with him, at least I can't see it happening, I'm still not sure if this is right for us. Especially if I'm not totally into it.
I'm back home in less than 3 weeks, and sure I want to see you. But right now, I don't know if I want to see you like as a date, or just a friend. And I'm sorry. Things are just pretty much messed up right now...
So sorry I've treated you so badly.
xxx
This was the second letter I wrote. Clearly not to the same person as the last, but one that I still couldn't send to him. How can I tell him all that through a letter?? That's just another thing I have to do face to face. And yet another thing that is so messed up :/
I wish things were simple again...
xxx
I think even you've probably noticed how things have become different between us recently. Like how when I first came here, I just had to talk to you everyday. So we ended up talking everyday about any random thing. And I felt us getting closer; I really liked that. Because I really liked you. But now, things have changed. I guess you felt that when you asked if I still wanted you to take me out. But I said "yes" so everything should've been back on track. But it's not. I know it's not, and I guess you know that too.
I've only ever mentioned my ex to you once. Remember that? I was trying to stop one of my friends from hurting him. And you asked something about him not being a nice person. And I jumped straight back in defending him; "No, he's not. He's a lovely person." I stand by that 100%. Because he is such a good person. And too good for me for certain.
Maybe that was a clue to you that I still liked him. Maybe not. I don't really know. But it was definately a clue to me that I really liked him.
He still likes me. He didn't hesitate in telling me that. Up until that point I thought I knew I wanted you. But when he told me he still had feelings for me, that bought back my old feelings for him. I never stopped liking him. I just moved on and let myself like someone else at the same time.
But me and him. Our relationship was pretty intense. And not something I can easily put behind me.
He wants me back. He made that very clear. And when I told him now wasn't the right time for that, he couldn't understand. Because I told him in a way that was open to us getting back together in the future. I couldn't say "no" to him. And when I tried, it was a "I wish we could go back too, BUT..." and that's not turning someone down at all.
Especially when I was lying in bed one night and I just really wanted him there. And I told him that. And it seemed like we'd managed to go back to how we were, just by me saying that one thing. Then he stopped texting me, and you came back from a gig and started. That's when you asked me out. And I said "yes" whilst totally aware of where my true feelings were.
But I told myself it was just a relapse. I'm not going back to him. And that was just the final thing I needed to get out of my system.
However, I ended up doing pretty much the same thing the next night. Texted him asking him to warm me up. And again going back to how we were. But again, after he stopped texting, you came back from another gig and started. And when I mentioned being cold, you said how you wished you were here with me to warm me up. Made me realise everything I've been doing is just leading you on.
I want you; but I want him more.
So although I won't be getting back with him, at least I can't see it happening, I'm still not sure if this is right for us. Especially if I'm not totally into it.
I'm back home in less than 3 weeks, and sure I want to see you. But right now, I don't know if I want to see you like as a date, or just a friend. And I'm sorry. Things are just pretty much messed up right now...
So sorry I've treated you so badly.
xxx
This was the second letter I wrote. Clearly not to the same person as the last, but one that I still couldn't send to him. How can I tell him all that through a letter?? That's just another thing I have to do face to face. And yet another thing that is so messed up :/
I wish things were simple again...
xxx
Letter #1
Hey darling :)
I'm just gunna say a few things, which will most likely give you more of a reason to totally blank me, but it only seems fair to say.
Everything I've said to you recently I've meant. That I wanted you, that I missed you, that it bad of me to...All of it, because I don't lie to you. In an ideal world, I would still really like for you to be here with me, but that's not gunna happen. I'm home in less than three weeks and I just need to be sure I'm doing the right thing before then. Because I'm really gunna end up hurting someone if it's all wrong...
Y'know when you first started talking to me again, and I mentioned that guy, Gary, and about how he wasn't going to do anything because of the distance. But that I wanted him to. Well he did. He asked me to let him take me out when I'm home. And he's really excited about me coming back.I'm not though. I mean, I said yes to him. But it was like an automatic responce, like it seemed like the right thing to say, even if I didn't actually want to. Which is totally wrong of me. My best friend wants this for me more than I do for myself.
Because I just want you.
Beckii...She added you because I found myself telling her about you, she was curious I guess. She wanted to know more about the guy I really liked. But I can't blame her for looking out for me, although she totally don't get anything, so much as I love her I've not even told her that. She wouldn't understand.
So yeah, I seem to find myself in bed too often just thinking. Normally I end up with little arguements in my head. Like when I'm just thinking about you and how good everything was, I'll have this voice telling me it's wrong to think that. Because I shouldn't be thinking about you. I should be thinking about him. After all, he's the guy who I'm supposedly seeing now.
Babe, some things just suck, right? Recently it would be how I've treated you. How I told you I don't think it's right for us to be together, followed by everything I said late at night about wanting you. And now how I'm telling you this. Except I'm not because I'm too chicken to actually send it to you. But it will be somewhere, and if you ever come across it, then believe me when I say I'm sorry.
I didn't want it to go this way.
Do you have any idea how much I wish to be with you right now. I don't mean as in being your girlfriend. I mean literally being with you in Sheffield. Because I need to see you. And I think this would be so much easier to tell you face to face.
I need you in my life.
That's why I wanted us to be friends again. Even after everything, and how bad you made me feel. I still couldn't lose you completely. Babe, don't you see that? Please don't cut me out of your life again.
I miss you so badly.
I want you so much more.
Much love, gorgeous
xxxxxxxxxxxx
I was actually going to send this to him, but decided against it last minute. It's all true, especially when I say I need to see him. When I do, that is when he will know all that he needs to. It's wrong to let him know like this :/
I feel terrible right now :(
xxx
I'm just gunna say a few things, which will most likely give you more of a reason to totally blank me, but it only seems fair to say.
Everything I've said to you recently I've meant. That I wanted you, that I missed you, that it bad of me to...All of it, because I don't lie to you. In an ideal world, I would still really like for you to be here with me, but that's not gunna happen. I'm home in less than three weeks and I just need to be sure I'm doing the right thing before then. Because I'm really gunna end up hurting someone if it's all wrong...
Y'know when you first started talking to me again, and I mentioned that guy, Gary, and about how he wasn't going to do anything because of the distance. But that I wanted him to. Well he did. He asked me to let him take me out when I'm home. And he's really excited about me coming back.I'm not though. I mean, I said yes to him. But it was like an automatic responce, like it seemed like the right thing to say, even if I didn't actually want to. Which is totally wrong of me. My best friend wants this for me more than I do for myself.
Because I just want you.
Beckii...She added you because I found myself telling her about you, she was curious I guess. She wanted to know more about the guy I really liked. But I can't blame her for looking out for me, although she totally don't get anything, so much as I love her I've not even told her that. She wouldn't understand.
So yeah, I seem to find myself in bed too often just thinking. Normally I end up with little arguements in my head. Like when I'm just thinking about you and how good everything was, I'll have this voice telling me it's wrong to think that. Because I shouldn't be thinking about you. I should be thinking about him. After all, he's the guy who I'm supposedly seeing now.
Babe, some things just suck, right? Recently it would be how I've treated you. How I told you I don't think it's right for us to be together, followed by everything I said late at night about wanting you. And now how I'm telling you this. Except I'm not because I'm too chicken to actually send it to you. But it will be somewhere, and if you ever come across it, then believe me when I say I'm sorry.
I didn't want it to go this way.
Do you have any idea how much I wish to be with you right now. I don't mean as in being your girlfriend. I mean literally being with you in Sheffield. Because I need to see you. And I think this would be so much easier to tell you face to face.
I need you in my life.
That's why I wanted us to be friends again. Even after everything, and how bad you made me feel. I still couldn't lose you completely. Babe, don't you see that? Please don't cut me out of your life again.
I miss you so badly.
I want you so much more.
Much love, gorgeous
xxxxxxxxxxxx
I was actually going to send this to him, but decided against it last minute. It's all true, especially when I say I need to see him. When I do, that is when he will know all that he needs to. It's wrong to let him know like this :/
I feel terrible right now :(
xxx
Monday, 23 November 2009
:'(
I pretty much lost an entire weekend of my life. Saturday morning I went shopping, was great :) I've missed proper shopping. Got back, ended up with some person having a go at me and calling me a racist bitch, because I was too busy to talk to him. So I wasn't too impressed. And from about 1:30pm onwards I was drinking, up to the point that I ended up in bed. I woke up Sunday at roughly half 12ish, and by 1 I was already drinking again. All weekend I didn't have a single non-alcoholic drink. That's bad...
I felt shit this morning :/
And I think I've now lost Michael completely. I don't want to have done. But he won't talk to me :'( and that kinda depresses me more than it should. And I've got no alcohol to numb the pain atm...
FML.
xxx
I felt shit this morning :/
And I think I've now lost Michael completely. I don't want to have done. But he won't talk to me :'( and that kinda depresses me more than it should. And I've got no alcohol to numb the pain atm...
FML.
xxx
Friday, 20 November 2009
Irrational fears?
So I'm talking to a friend atm, and he's just said a chav started abusing him because he has long hair, and his response was to just laugh at him.
I had these two black guys come up to me today, just randomly started talking to me and asked for my number. I was petrified of them. I really thought they were going to do something to me :/ luckily there was this old man who noticed my discomfort and just stood and a distance and watched to make sure they did nothing. But I was still so scared.
So those two things from today, have made me realise that I have some very irrational fears. Such as black men and chavs...It's really not normal, I know. But then I'm also scared of being near windows on the ground floor when it's dark outside but light inside.
So yeah, I'm not normal...
xxx
I had these two black guys come up to me today, just randomly started talking to me and asked for my number. I was petrified of them. I really thought they were going to do something to me :/ luckily there was this old man who noticed my discomfort and just stood and a distance and watched to make sure they did nothing. But I was still so scared.
So those two things from today, have made me realise that I have some very irrational fears. Such as black men and chavs...It's really not normal, I know. But then I'm also scared of being near windows on the ground floor when it's dark outside but light inside.
So yeah, I'm not normal...
xxx
Memory...
I was studying about this today in psychology. But this actually has nothing to do with my lecture. Or my scary mad lecturer. I was talking to Gary, he's from the town I lived in when I was very little. And he mentioned something about it, and I had suddenly remembered this really dodgy thing.
We lived in a very small house back in Wisbech. You'd walk though the front door to the hall way, on the right was a kitchen, straight on was the living room. From the living room you could walk straight out onto the garden. The staircase was in the living room, right by the doorway to outside. Up the stairs, there was no landing, it went straight onto the bedroom. The only bedroom. Cross the bedroom, and you'd go into the bathroom. And that was it; 4 rooms and a hallway. Before we moved, there were 6 of us living there. Mum, dad, me, my two sisters and my brother. Me and one of my sisters shared a bunkbed under the window in the bedroom. My other sister and brother had cots, in the same room. Mum and dad slept in the living room. It wasn't exactly ideal. All the houses on the Close were the same, however they weren't family homes. The couple one side nextdoor were childless. The other side was an old couple, who we came to know as "Nanny&Grandad-nextdoor". And despite how it wasn't good for us living there, it was somewhere I had gotten used to.
When I first found out we were moving house, I was excited, as though it was some kind of adventure. I told all my friends, and even at that age I thought we would be friends forever, staying in contact with them always. But that never happened. Honestly, I wouldn't even be able to tell you most of their names right now. School for that one year was good. The library was in a tower block. Or at least you had to go up some stairs, when I was that little it may have just seemed like a tower. In the playground there was a wooden ship to play on, which I remember really liking. I don't think I realised that moving house and school actually meant leaving that place behind.
But that's not quite the important part I remembered...
After we'd packed up and we were leaving our house for the final time, and we were driving on the main road towards Lynn. We only had a few personal stuff in the car with us. And by personal, I mean I had a colouring book and a doll with me. My siblings had other such stuff with them. We we just going down the road and I remember realising we were going to be living in a different place and thinking "now I'm going to have to remember a new way of getting to nanny and grandad's if I want to run away". I had perfectly remembered the route from our house to nanny and grandad's in case I ever wanted to leave home for some reason and stay with them instead. This was 3 months before I turned 5 years old.
Thinking back like that, makes me realise that my family life never seems to have been perfect. I mean, how could it have been if I was already wanting to run away at such a young age? I quickly did learn the new route to their house, and indeed to my other grandparents as well. I actually was pleased that we now seemed to be closer to them, so when I did run away it wouldn't be so far for me to run. In my naiveness I did believe that running away involved me having to run the whole way, so being closer seemed very good to me.
That random thought just kinda scared me I guess...
xxx
We lived in a very small house back in Wisbech. You'd walk though the front door to the hall way, on the right was a kitchen, straight on was the living room. From the living room you could walk straight out onto the garden. The staircase was in the living room, right by the doorway to outside. Up the stairs, there was no landing, it went straight onto the bedroom. The only bedroom. Cross the bedroom, and you'd go into the bathroom. And that was it; 4 rooms and a hallway. Before we moved, there were 6 of us living there. Mum, dad, me, my two sisters and my brother. Me and one of my sisters shared a bunkbed under the window in the bedroom. My other sister and brother had cots, in the same room. Mum and dad slept in the living room. It wasn't exactly ideal. All the houses on the Close were the same, however they weren't family homes. The couple one side nextdoor were childless. The other side was an old couple, who we came to know as "Nanny&Grandad-nextdoor". And despite how it wasn't good for us living there, it was somewhere I had gotten used to.
When I first found out we were moving house, I was excited, as though it was some kind of adventure. I told all my friends, and even at that age I thought we would be friends forever, staying in contact with them always. But that never happened. Honestly, I wouldn't even be able to tell you most of their names right now. School for that one year was good. The library was in a tower block. Or at least you had to go up some stairs, when I was that little it may have just seemed like a tower. In the playground there was a wooden ship to play on, which I remember really liking. I don't think I realised that moving house and school actually meant leaving that place behind.
But that's not quite the important part I remembered...
After we'd packed up and we were leaving our house for the final time, and we were driving on the main road towards Lynn. We only had a few personal stuff in the car with us. And by personal, I mean I had a colouring book and a doll with me. My siblings had other such stuff with them. We we just going down the road and I remember realising we were going to be living in a different place and thinking "now I'm going to have to remember a new way of getting to nanny and grandad's if I want to run away". I had perfectly remembered the route from our house to nanny and grandad's in case I ever wanted to leave home for some reason and stay with them instead. This was 3 months before I turned 5 years old.
Thinking back like that, makes me realise that my family life never seems to have been perfect. I mean, how could it have been if I was already wanting to run away at such a young age? I quickly did learn the new route to their house, and indeed to my other grandparents as well. I actually was pleased that we now seemed to be closer to them, so when I did run away it wouldn't be so far for me to run. In my naiveness I did believe that running away involved me having to run the whole way, so being closer seemed very good to me.
That random thought just kinda scared me I guess...
xxx
Thursday, 19 November 2009
=/
I wish I had an empty corner in my room, so I could just curl up in it and pretend I don't exist...
Kill me now.
xxx
Kill me now.
xxx
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Cough cough cough
Still soo ill :( mega bad times (N) I got myself cough medicine since I still can't stop coughing. It's tastes revolting. But I'm hopeful that it will work :) I actually had to go to my seminar today, was a complusary one so I had no choice. But hey, for the first time since being here, I actually contributed something!! Even though my voice is soo dodgy that I sound nothing like myself atm. But yeah, I thinking I'm slowing making progress.
Question:
My of my boy_friends split up with his girlfriend the other night. And she wanted him back. He asked my advice, even with him knowing how messed up my own damn love-life is...So I tried to help him, and oh look they're now back together and happy again. How the fuck!? So I can fix their love-lifes, but not my own! How does that work out..??
Ugh, I hate this.
But y'know, shit happens.
And did you know that there are so many public interest factors involved in the prosecution process? Well neither did I. But I've done so much work today, that I now have over a page and a half of just the factors I found written down, and that's without explaining them. Did you know that I found researching about it very interesting, which nicely proves to me that I am definately on the right degree (Y). Love it :)
9am lecture tomorrow. I have to be up for it in about 6 and a half hours :/ great...Well I can see I'll be most likely sleeping through that lecture. Oh dear. I'm thinking I should go to bed now, so good night darlings.
xxx
Question:
My of my boy_friends split up with his girlfriend the other night. And she wanted him back. He asked my advice, even with him knowing how messed up my own damn love-life is...So I tried to help him, and oh look they're now back together and happy again. How the fuck!? So I can fix their love-lifes, but not my own! How does that work out..??
Ugh, I hate this.
But y'know, shit happens.
And did you know that there are so many public interest factors involved in the prosecution process? Well neither did I. But I've done so much work today, that I now have over a page and a half of just the factors I found written down, and that's without explaining them. Did you know that I found researching about it very interesting, which nicely proves to me that I am definately on the right degree (Y). Love it :)
9am lecture tomorrow. I have to be up for it in about 6 and a half hours :/ great...Well I can see I'll be most likely sleeping through that lecture. Oh dear. I'm thinking I should go to bed now, so good night darlings.
xxx
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
X Factor, Shakira, and illness...
Short convo between me and a friend that I find amusing:
Him: Did you see the X Factor on Sunday?
Me: I watched Shakira, then turned it off.
Him: Did you enjoy Shakira then?
Me: Yeah I did. But then, there's very little she does that I don't enjoy.
Him: But don't you think she's become too commercialised with her new music?
Me: Nahh, she's evolved. And even though that kind of music doesn't usually appeal to me, it's Shakira. And somehow I feel my music tastes have evolved with her.
Him: Riiiiight...
Me: Plus she can't stick with DELL style forever.
Him: What's dell..?
Haha once again, I assume that everyone understands the Shakira shorthand :P (DELL = Donde Estan Los Ladrones, if you're wondering).
I decided to just leave it at that before making him think I'm some kinda obsessed mega fan.
On the total downside, I'm still soooo ill. Sucks big time. In fact, the girl who didn't miss a single day off sixth form even when she had shingles and a chest infection that lead to pneumonia, had to take a day off from her lectures today! That's how bad I'm feeling. Spent most of the day in bed NOT SLEEPING because I find it so hard to sleep when I'm ill :/ plus I actually find it hard to sleep here in general with the fucking noisy neighbour I have...
...Who incidently has just came back from ANOTHER night out, with yet ANOTHER guy. And just as I was actually planning on going to sleep. Looks like that won't be happening for a while, even though I have to be up in less than 8 hours. I really don't like her :(
But anyways, I think I may try to sleep now regardless. Put my mp3 player on nice and loud to drown her out if I have to! Which btw, I really hope I don't have to...
Good night, xxx
Him: Did you see the X Factor on Sunday?
Me: I watched Shakira, then turned it off.
Him: Did you enjoy Shakira then?
Me: Yeah I did. But then, there's very little she does that I don't enjoy.
Him: But don't you think she's become too commercialised with her new music?
Me: Nahh, she's evolved. And even though that kind of music doesn't usually appeal to me, it's Shakira. And somehow I feel my music tastes have evolved with her.
Him: Riiiiight...
Me: Plus she can't stick with DELL style forever.
Him: What's dell..?
Haha once again, I assume that everyone understands the Shakira shorthand :P (DELL = Donde Estan Los Ladrones, if you're wondering).
I decided to just leave it at that before making him think I'm some kinda obsessed mega fan.
On the total downside, I'm still soooo ill. Sucks big time. In fact, the girl who didn't miss a single day off sixth form even when she had shingles and a chest infection that lead to pneumonia, had to take a day off from her lectures today! That's how bad I'm feeling. Spent most of the day in bed NOT SLEEPING because I find it so hard to sleep when I'm ill :/ plus I actually find it hard to sleep here in general with the fucking noisy neighbour I have...
...Who incidently has just came back from ANOTHER night out, with yet ANOTHER guy. And just as I was actually planning on going to sleep. Looks like that won't be happening for a while, even though I have to be up in less than 8 hours. I really don't like her :(
But anyways, I think I may try to sleep now regardless. Put my mp3 player on nice and loud to drown her out if I have to! Which btw, I really hope I don't have to...
Good night, xxx
Monday, 16 November 2009
Soooo ill
It sucks big time :(
And I'm so tired, and really can't sleep because of this bloody illness.
Not happy right now.
And I'm really missing my friends.
I can't wait to see them :)
And woo to a pointless blog.
xxx
And I'm so tired, and really can't sleep because of this bloody illness.
Not happy right now.
And I'm really missing my friends.
I can't wait to see them :)
And woo to a pointless blog.
xxx
Saturday, 14 November 2009
Fucked up in the head
So it has actually been like forever since I've written on here :S which means I have like no idea where to start right now.
Instead of filling you in with the past few months, I'll just write about now. I'll allow those months to be a total mystery, which is probably for the better anyway.
I'm sitting in my pretty small uni room, listening to Bon Jovi sing possibly my most favourite song of all time. ALWAYS ♥ You know the only thing wrong with this amazing song? It makes me think. Think about a wonderful ex of mine. Stupid, eh? But consider this bit of it But baby if you give me just one more try We can pack up our old dreams And our old lives We'll find a place where the sun still shines. Michael wants me back. He pretty much said he wants to go back to how we were (back in those mystery months). But up until then I'd moved on. I seriously really liked this guy, Gary.
So a bit about this...
Gary and I had been getting pretty close before I moved about 200 miles away for uni. To be totally honest, I never thought anything serious could happen with me and him, but I did still really like him; I do still really like him. And everything was actually going pretty well considering the distance between us.
But then Michael...I started talking to him again like 2 months after our incredibly bad finish. I thought he hated me, but I hated the idea of leaving things so bad between us. So after a long cool off period, I thought maybe we could fix things...Simple, right? Wrong. Michael nicely fessed up to still liking me. And how he'd never stopped. Complicating my feelings for him again. But I thought, that's okay, he know's about Gary, so we can still be friends. A few days later, he asked if we can go back to how we were :/ and I told him no. I was certain that I wouldn't go back to him. And I thought how it's still all okay. We can still be friends.
One day last week, I was laying in bed, totally unable to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about Michael. And about how I wasn't sure if I'd made the right decision. I mean what if Michael is the right guy for me? I found myself texting him telling him that I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking of him. And he found that cute...I told myself that was a one off relapse, and nothing like that would happen again.
Two nights ago, I was there in bed, and I guess I just wasn't thinking. I texted him. That I wanted him there. And I found myself slipping back into old ways with him. It was just so easy to do so. And it actually made me so happy.
But like a couple hours after I stopped texting him, Gary came back from a gig. And he asked me if i was still up for him taking me out when I was back home. I said yes.
And once again, I told myself that the Michael thing was me just slipping up, and it would not happen again.
In bed last night freezing cold. "Come warm me up? Please. xxxxx" To Michael. Again. Once again "slipping up". And then once again a few hours after I stopped texting Michael, Gary came back from another gig very drunk. And started talking about wanting to be here with me, and about taking me out.
I feel so bad right now.
I haven't spoken to either of them today.
Other than when I first woke up and texted Michael telling him I was disappointed he wasn't laying in bed next to me, because my dream lead me to believe he was there...But luckily he didn't reply, so I had no chance to go back to that.
I'm a bitch.
And I'm with Gary.
I've thought long about this. And I can't always go back to Michael every time he snaps his fingers. It's just not right to.
Ugh, I'm badly messed up...
xxx
Instead of filling you in with the past few months, I'll just write about now. I'll allow those months to be a total mystery, which is probably for the better anyway.
I'm sitting in my pretty small uni room, listening to Bon Jovi sing possibly my most favourite song of all time. ALWAYS ♥ You know the only thing wrong with this amazing song? It makes me think. Think about a wonderful ex of mine. Stupid, eh? But consider this bit of it But baby if you give me just one more try We can pack up our old dreams And our old lives We'll find a place where the sun still shines. Michael wants me back. He pretty much said he wants to go back to how we were (back in those mystery months). But up until then I'd moved on. I seriously really liked this guy, Gary.
So a bit about this...
Gary and I had been getting pretty close before I moved about 200 miles away for uni. To be totally honest, I never thought anything serious could happen with me and him, but I did still really like him; I do still really like him. And everything was actually going pretty well considering the distance between us.
But then Michael...I started talking to him again like 2 months after our incredibly bad finish. I thought he hated me, but I hated the idea of leaving things so bad between us. So after a long cool off period, I thought maybe we could fix things...Simple, right? Wrong. Michael nicely fessed up to still liking me. And how he'd never stopped. Complicating my feelings for him again. But I thought, that's okay, he know's about Gary, so we can still be friends. A few days later, he asked if we can go back to how we were :/ and I told him no. I was certain that I wouldn't go back to him. And I thought how it's still all okay. We can still be friends.
One day last week, I was laying in bed, totally unable to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about Michael. And about how I wasn't sure if I'd made the right decision. I mean what if Michael is the right guy for me? I found myself texting him telling him that I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking of him. And he found that cute...I told myself that was a one off relapse, and nothing like that would happen again.
Two nights ago, I was there in bed, and I guess I just wasn't thinking. I texted him. That I wanted him there. And I found myself slipping back into old ways with him. It was just so easy to do so. And it actually made me so happy.
But like a couple hours after I stopped texting him, Gary came back from a gig. And he asked me if i was still up for him taking me out when I was back home. I said yes.
And once again, I told myself that the Michael thing was me just slipping up, and it would not happen again.
In bed last night freezing cold. "Come warm me up? Please. xxxxx" To Michael. Again. Once again "slipping up". And then once again a few hours after I stopped texting Michael, Gary came back from another gig very drunk. And started talking about wanting to be here with me, and about taking me out.
I feel so bad right now.
I haven't spoken to either of them today.
Other than when I first woke up and texted Michael telling him I was disappointed he wasn't laying in bed next to me, because my dream lead me to believe he was there...But luckily he didn't reply, so I had no chance to go back to that.
I'm a bitch.
And I'm with Gary.
I've thought long about this. And I can't always go back to Michael every time he snaps his fingers. It's just not right to.
Ugh, I'm badly messed up...
xxx
Saturday, 8 August 2009
Confuzzled
He has a girlfriend...I'm not stupid, I know it means I can't have him. He's beautiful. I know the logic behind it, and I know the right thing is too back away, but I can't help thinking that she's not right for him. He belongs with me! So I'll just explain the last couple of weeks totally logically. Kinda.
He stopped talking to me. It must've been about 3(?) weeks ago. I had no idea why. Normally when he pulls stunts like that, he'll explain to me why he's doing it when I ask...This time, nothing. He drove me mad. I knew he had a fresh girlfriend, so I origionally figured that was it. He was loved up with another girl, so felt the need to shut his previous love out. But as the days went by I started to worry it was something else. Maybe he actually hated me. It doesn't seem like a totally illogical idea to me. So I began to accept it. Started texting him less, I mean if I didn't try to talk to him as much, then I wouldn't be so disappointed when he ignored me, right? Well it didn't work. I thought about him all the time, and just wanted him to realise I was still here, and that I couldn't let go of him as easily as he did me.
Then I realised my birthday was drawing sooner. And I wanted him there at my party, and he knew I did. He'd already said he would come, but that was before he started acting like I didn't exist. So I kept trying to ask him. His lack of an answer was doing my head in. I kept crossing him off my list. Then adding him back on. It was very confusing for my family to see this random person changing their mind so often, but in reality I was changing my mind about wanting him there.
A few days ago, I was complaining about him to my little brother. He said he'll try texting him for me, but without saying who he was. At this point I just felt so desperate that I was willing to try anything. So I agreed to it. A few mins after Nik sent his message, he got a reply. I was furious. Why could he talk to an unknown person, but NOT ME? Nik mentioned my party, asked him if he was going, he replied saying he would be if he could get a lift and asked who else was going. Once again I was not impressed, why couldn't he ask me that? Nik replied saying that he would have to ask me...But nothing...
Much later that night, I was laying in bed, totally unable to sleep. He was on my mind so much, and I was so angry with him. At that point, I only wanted him to come to my party so I could slap him. I couldn't sleep, that's how much I was thinking of him. So for the first time in days, I texted him..."I hate that I can't sleep. And I hate that it's because of you. (But I don't hate you) xx"...And he replied! I was in huge shock, but I took that as my opportunity. He explained that he didn't hate me, but didn't explain what had been going on. But I actually didn't mind. He was speaking to me, that's all I cared about. In fact, when he seemed to be overly friendly, I didn't even notice straight away. But he added so many kisses and was talking about seeing me like he actually cared. For a moment I believed he was single again. Anyway we spoke until the very early hours in the morning, and I only got about 4 hours sleep that night. But I didn't care. I had him back.
The next day, I had to check. I went onto his facebook and saw that he does still have a girlfriend, and she seems incredibly happy. He had said to me the night before that he was only just still "hanging in there" with life, so I know he's still depressed. I kinda felt briefly sorry for her, since he so obviously doesn't want her, but then decided it's her own fault if she gets hurt...She shouldn't be so blind to his hurt, and should let him be happy.
I actually decided I wasn't going to text him first that next day, just in case it was a fluke, and he was going to go back to ignoring me. But he texted me and we had a decent conversation. He still cares, I could tell that much. And I stupidly felt every feeling I had for him, that I had pushed away in the past couple weeks, coming back. I still care for him more than I want him to know. And the next days after this were the same. He has spoken to me first every day since then, and you know what, even though he's still with her, I have hope. I miss him, and he misses me. Other people can see it, so why isn't he?
Anyway, it's actually my party tomorrow. He'll be there. And as one of my best friend's said, "it's your birthday, it shouldn't matter that he has a girlfriend, go for it" and you know what? I think I actually may. I want to see him first, see how he acts towards me, see if in person his feelings appear so apparent. But I'm pretty sure they will. And even if I don't go for it, and we do only remain friends, I'm lucky to have him in my life, I know that. I never want to lose him.
xxxxx
He stopped talking to me. It must've been about 3(?) weeks ago. I had no idea why. Normally when he pulls stunts like that, he'll explain to me why he's doing it when I ask...This time, nothing. He drove me mad. I knew he had a fresh girlfriend, so I origionally figured that was it. He was loved up with another girl, so felt the need to shut his previous love out. But as the days went by I started to worry it was something else. Maybe he actually hated me. It doesn't seem like a totally illogical idea to me. So I began to accept it. Started texting him less, I mean if I didn't try to talk to him as much, then I wouldn't be so disappointed when he ignored me, right? Well it didn't work. I thought about him all the time, and just wanted him to realise I was still here, and that I couldn't let go of him as easily as he did me.
Then I realised my birthday was drawing sooner. And I wanted him there at my party, and he knew I did. He'd already said he would come, but that was before he started acting like I didn't exist. So I kept trying to ask him. His lack of an answer was doing my head in. I kept crossing him off my list. Then adding him back on. It was very confusing for my family to see this random person changing their mind so often, but in reality I was changing my mind about wanting him there.
A few days ago, I was complaining about him to my little brother. He said he'll try texting him for me, but without saying who he was. At this point I just felt so desperate that I was willing to try anything. So I agreed to it. A few mins after Nik sent his message, he got a reply. I was furious. Why could he talk to an unknown person, but NOT ME? Nik mentioned my party, asked him if he was going, he replied saying he would be if he could get a lift and asked who else was going. Once again I was not impressed, why couldn't he ask me that? Nik replied saying that he would have to ask me...But nothing...
Much later that night, I was laying in bed, totally unable to sleep. He was on my mind so much, and I was so angry with him. At that point, I only wanted him to come to my party so I could slap him. I couldn't sleep, that's how much I was thinking of him. So for the first time in days, I texted him..."I hate that I can't sleep. And I hate that it's because of you. (But I don't hate you) xx"...And he replied! I was in huge shock, but I took that as my opportunity. He explained that he didn't hate me, but didn't explain what had been going on. But I actually didn't mind. He was speaking to me, that's all I cared about. In fact, when he seemed to be overly friendly, I didn't even notice straight away. But he added so many kisses and was talking about seeing me like he actually cared. For a moment I believed he was single again. Anyway we spoke until the very early hours in the morning, and I only got about 4 hours sleep that night. But I didn't care. I had him back.
The next day, I had to check. I went onto his facebook and saw that he does still have a girlfriend, and she seems incredibly happy. He had said to me the night before that he was only just still "hanging in there" with life, so I know he's still depressed. I kinda felt briefly sorry for her, since he so obviously doesn't want her, but then decided it's her own fault if she gets hurt...She shouldn't be so blind to his hurt, and should let him be happy.
I actually decided I wasn't going to text him first that next day, just in case it was a fluke, and he was going to go back to ignoring me. But he texted me and we had a decent conversation. He still cares, I could tell that much. And I stupidly felt every feeling I had for him, that I had pushed away in the past couple weeks, coming back. I still care for him more than I want him to know. And the next days after this were the same. He has spoken to me first every day since then, and you know what, even though he's still with her, I have hope. I miss him, and he misses me. Other people can see it, so why isn't he?
Anyway, it's actually my party tomorrow. He'll be there. And as one of my best friend's said, "it's your birthday, it shouldn't matter that he has a girlfriend, go for it" and you know what? I think I actually may. I want to see him first, see how he acts towards me, see if in person his feelings appear so apparent. But I'm pretty sure they will. And even if I don't go for it, and we do only remain friends, I'm lucky to have him in my life, I know that. I never want to lose him.
xxxxx
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
)':
You know what? Life sucks. And it's way out of my control. If it's a friend that's making life hard, then cut them out and after a while you'll be fine. But what can you do with family. No matter what, they will be a part of your life, and you can't change that.
Today has been bad.
Why can't everyone just stop arguing. Can't they see that they are making things ever so hard for me to live here. I keep getting pushed closer and closer to the edge. I don't want to be here. Truth be told, sometimes I have thoughts that are wrong. "Have you ever looked out of a window, and wondered how much it would hurt if you jumped out?" I can't help myself.
Even Adam isn't making me happy. It's just not right.
x x
Today has been bad.
Why can't everyone just stop arguing. Can't they see that they are making things ever so hard for me to live here. I keep getting pushed closer and closer to the edge. I don't want to be here. Truth be told, sometimes I have thoughts that are wrong. "Have you ever looked out of a window, and wondered how much it would hurt if you jumped out?" I can't help myself.
Even Adam isn't making me happy. It's just not right.
x x
Sunday, 19 July 2009
Smileeyyy
So possibly -THE- hottest guy -EVER- added me on flickr, and commented on several pictures of me, saying how gorgeous I look (: that's a huuuge confidence boost in itself. I have found myself a new love haha.
And just things have been getting better guy-wise. I mean I'm still single, but I just feel better. Their are hot, single, guys everywhere, and I'm only just realising it now. I'm finally opening my eyes!
And I have a pact with a friend I love dearly. He's looking for his future wife, I'm looking for my future husband...If we can't find them, then we'll find each other at the church...He'll be the one at the alter, and I'll be the one in the gorgeous dress. Perfect.
I love dreadlocks <3
x x
And just things have been getting better guy-wise. I mean I'm still single, but I just feel better. Their are hot, single, guys everywhere, and I'm only just realising it now. I'm finally opening my eyes!
And I have a pact with a friend I love dearly. He's looking for his future wife, I'm looking for my future husband...If we can't find them, then we'll find each other at the church...He'll be the one at the alter, and I'll be the one in the gorgeous dress. Perfect.
I love dreadlocks <3
x x
Saturday, 18 July 2009
Arranged marriages aren't seeming so bad
So I keep seeing all these loved up couples, and I just keep thinking "I want that!"
And I wondered why I can't have that.
But it's obvious, when you think about it.
I never go for the safe guys.
I mean, look at Michael. I've been after him for like a year, and look where that's got me. No-fucking-where. He's the least safe person, in the idea that I never knew where I stood with him, and that I always put up with so much shit from him. And now I'm single, and he has a girlfriend, who isn't me.
And before him, Paav. I thought he was perfect. We were engaged for fuck's sake. That one seemed so safe to me back then. And he cheated on me. Broke my heart; he was the first person to do so. We're friends now though, which isn't too bad.
But, looking back, neither of my two loves were actually any good for me.
And I was thinking, my family knows what's best for me...Something that I clearly don't yet. Maybe if I want a successful relationship, they should pick the guy for me...I know for certain, they would never have picked Michael or Paav for me.
Family arranging a marriage for you, has never seemed like such a good idea to me, as it is right now...
x x
And I wondered why I can't have that.
But it's obvious, when you think about it.
I never go for the safe guys.
I mean, look at Michael. I've been after him for like a year, and look where that's got me. No-fucking-where. He's the least safe person, in the idea that I never knew where I stood with him, and that I always put up with so much shit from him. And now I'm single, and he has a girlfriend, who isn't me.
And before him, Paav. I thought he was perfect. We were engaged for fuck's sake. That one seemed so safe to me back then. And he cheated on me. Broke my heart; he was the first person to do so. We're friends now though, which isn't too bad.
But, looking back, neither of my two loves were actually any good for me.
And I was thinking, my family knows what's best for me...Something that I clearly don't yet. Maybe if I want a successful relationship, they should pick the guy for me...I know for certain, they would never have picked Michael or Paav for me.
Family arranging a marriage for you, has never seemed like such a good idea to me, as it is right now...
x x
Friday, 17 July 2009
Only I could make myself look this stupid
Of course he's not ignoring me.
Regardless to what I obviously assumed.
Of course he's just working, and has been obviously for every spare moment for over a week.
How could I forget his work hours are that long.
Of course I was jumping to conclusions.
And of course I should "just.. caaaalm" - wonderful advice that.
But babe, much as I care for you, and want to believe you, you are possibly the biggest bullshitter I know.
If you don't want to talk to me, just say so, I much prefer the truth right now.
I feel so stupid.
x x
Regardless to what I obviously assumed.
Of course he's just working, and has been obviously for every spare moment for over a week.
How could I forget his work hours are that long.
Of course I was jumping to conclusions.
And of course I should "just.. caaaalm" - wonderful advice that.
But babe, much as I care for you, and want to believe you, you are possibly the biggest bullshitter I know.
If you don't want to talk to me, just say so, I much prefer the truth right now.
I feel so stupid.
x x
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Babysitting...
...A shrew...
Damning that cat of mine for bringing it home.
Trying to get it to eat.
I WILL MAKE IT SURVIVE!
It's so cute...
x x
Damning that cat of mine for bringing it home.
Trying to get it to eat.
I WILL MAKE IT SURVIVE!
It's so cute...
x x
Friday, 10 July 2009
Why do I take so many photos!?
Sorting them all out on flickr...There's already over 8000 on there, which I now have completely sorted out, but I have so many pictures that still need to be uploaded to be sorted out. For the first time ever I'm regretting taking so many. Eg the Festival Too pictures have now been uploading for like 2 hours, and are now 25% done!! It's so slow to upload...
x x
x x
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Then you feel so low, you can't feel nothing at all
Once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday
When I caught your eye
And we caught onto something,
I hold on to the night
You looked me in the eye and told me you loved me
Were you just kidding? 'Cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down, we almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby, what happened? Please tell me'
Cause one second it was perfect
Now you're halfway out the door
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said, forever and always
Oh, oh
Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest
That made you run and hide like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute
Now I'm not so sure
So here's to everything, coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute
But I don't anymore
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said forever and always
Oh, oh
Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn't mean it, baby, I don't think so
Oh, oh
Oh, back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything?
Back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything?
'Cause it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
Oh, I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when we said forever and always!
And it rains in your bedroom, and everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn't mean it, baby, you said forever and always ya
♥
God, I miss him so much. But I'm no longer feeling the pain. I thought this song just summed us up perfectly )':
x x
When I caught your eye
And we caught onto something,
I hold on to the night
You looked me in the eye and told me you loved me
Were you just kidding? 'Cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down, we almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby, what happened? Please tell me'
Cause one second it was perfect
Now you're halfway out the door
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said, forever and always
Oh, oh
Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest
That made you run and hide like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute
Now I'm not so sure
So here's to everything, coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute
But I don't anymore
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said forever and always
Oh, oh
Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn't mean it, baby, I don't think so
Oh, oh
Oh, back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything?
Back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything?
'Cause it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
Oh, I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when we said forever and always!
And it rains in your bedroom, and everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn't mean it, baby, you said forever and always ya
♥
God, I miss him so much. But I'm no longer feeling the pain. I thought this song just summed us up perfectly )':
x x
Monday, 6 July 2009
The Brink
Are possibly the most amazing band EVER. I saw them for the second time, Saturday night. Last year I was really far back, so despite the awesome sound, I couldn't really see them. This year, me, my sister and a friend, got there 3 hours before they started playing, so we could be right at the front. And it was the best decision we could've made. I took some really good pictures of them and The Hoodwinks playing, and a couple of okay videos. And omg Alex (the guitarist) is soooo hot. And I got a picture (and a hug) from Matt, the singer. And Matt has literally just added me on facebook ♥ ... We (my sister and I) were sooo drunk, by the time Bay City Rollers were on, neither of us could take a proper picture. Festival Too just made my whole month haha (:
x x
x x
Friday, 3 July 2009
It's strange how things change so quickly
Sometimes it's good. But other times I hate it.
Today I hated it.
I was happy. Last day I will ever have to go to school, other than to collect results, and to celebrate a load of us went to Spoons, which would have been so much better if (a) I wasn't underage; and (b) I wasn't so damn bored there. But still, I was happy. I was even happy after a few of them decided to go bowling, and I went with them, resulting in me being soaked from the rain. I cant bowl, though, so instead of making a fool of myself, I chose to watch. And I honestly didn't mind that - I was freezing and hurting all over, but still I didn't mind, I had my own personal radiator ;). But then a couple other people turned up, and I lost him to them, it sucks how he can't be good to me in front of everyone. That's when the happiness faded, just that quickly. But who cares, right? After we left them and went back to Spoons, he was mega nice to me. And I had that small glimmer of hope back again (and a voice yelling "No, don't fall for it, you'll only get hurt again!"), and then he left me, and I didn't know how to feel. God, I'm so messed up right now. Why do I fall for his smile every time? And why is it that every time he looks into my eyes (he has the most beautiful eyes), I lose the ability to think? It's just not fair.
Now I feel terrible. But strangely, it has nothing to do with him.
I'm so sunburnt from yesterday. I mean, not just slightly pink, but I've changed colour completely. Every bit of skin that was visible yesterday is a shade of red, except my arms which are now a pinky brown. Whenever I lie down, my back hurts. And having had the final injection for the HPV thing today, my arm aches incredibly to move. I'm guessing it must be all the sunburn that's actually making me feel ill though. I feel so dizzy all the time, and like I move and just kinda collapse down. It's really horrible. I'm hoping I feel better once I've slept, which is exactly what I'm gunna go do now...
x x
Today I hated it.
I was happy. Last day I will ever have to go to school, other than to collect results, and to celebrate a load of us went to Spoons, which would have been so much better if (a) I wasn't underage; and (b) I wasn't so damn bored there. But still, I was happy. I was even happy after a few of them decided to go bowling, and I went with them, resulting in me being soaked from the rain. I cant bowl, though, so instead of making a fool of myself, I chose to watch. And I honestly didn't mind that - I was freezing and hurting all over, but still I didn't mind, I had my own personal radiator ;). But then a couple other people turned up, and I lost him to them, it sucks how he can't be good to me in front of everyone. That's when the happiness faded, just that quickly. But who cares, right? After we left them and went back to Spoons, he was mega nice to me. And I had that small glimmer of hope back again (and a voice yelling "No, don't fall for it, you'll only get hurt again!"), and then he left me, and I didn't know how to feel. God, I'm so messed up right now. Why do I fall for his smile every time? And why is it that every time he looks into my eyes (he has the most beautiful eyes), I lose the ability to think? It's just not fair.
Now I feel terrible. But strangely, it has nothing to do with him.
I'm so sunburnt from yesterday. I mean, not just slightly pink, but I've changed colour completely. Every bit of skin that was visible yesterday is a shade of red, except my arms which are now a pinky brown. Whenever I lie down, my back hurts. And having had the final injection for the HPV thing today, my arm aches incredibly to move. I'm guessing it must be all the sunburn that's actually making me feel ill though. I feel so dizzy all the time, and like I move and just kinda collapse down. It's really horrible. I'm hoping I feel better once I've slept, which is exactly what I'm gunna go do now...
x x
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
I wanna escape the world
And be by myself. Or just not be at all.
Last night, was as far as I'm concerned, a comlpete disaster. Sure the film was good, and I was with people I liked (and a few I didn't know) and tbh it seemed like it would be a really good night out. But no. It never goes quite the way you want it to. Why can't people just listen to me!? If they had've done, things would've run a lot smoother, and maybe it would have been a successful night out. I was just so pissed off by the end of it. Just wanted to leave. I was actually tempted to just walk myself home those 5 miles, rather than waiting for them to hurry up and give me a lift back.
Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!
I couldn't even sleep last night. What's with the temperature here being hotter than it is in Spain!? I mean, during the day I love it. But at night, I just want to sleep, and I can't. Being in the loft, with no windows, sure does have it's disadvantages sometimes. It only got to a sensible "me-being-able-to-consider-sleeping" temperature at about 5 this morning. Meaning I got the whole of about 3 hours sleep. And since today was even hotter than yesterday, I'm fucked tonight...And not even in the good way. ):
I'm gunna be like a bloody zombie tomorrow. So if anyone actually does know me, and is reading this, I apologise now for not being alive tomorrow. I don't actually want to go though. Today, my stalker made me realise just how unsafe I feel away from family, and away from the one person outside of family who knows. And since he's no longer going out with us, and family definately isn't coming, I'm scared. What if my stalker finds me, and realises just how easy it would be to take me from my friends. Fuck, they probably wouldn't even notice tbh. That's why I don't want to go. Much as I feel terrible right now, I can't stand the idea of him winning and having me. I'd rather be dead than have him touch me again. Please, just let my one person come, so I can feel safe. Else I'm so tempted to cancel, and just not go at all. And stay here with my mum, where I know he can't get to me through her.
I'm actually crying now...
I can't be dealing with this. It's kinda late, but I'm putting off going to my room. I mean I'm not going to sleep anyway, so what's the point. Even if it weren't so hot up there, with everything on my mind I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. But I am gunna go. Just because if I write anymore, I'll go mad thinking about it.
x x
Last night, was as far as I'm concerned, a comlpete disaster. Sure the film was good, and I was with people I liked (and a few I didn't know) and tbh it seemed like it would be a really good night out. But no. It never goes quite the way you want it to. Why can't people just listen to me!? If they had've done, things would've run a lot smoother, and maybe it would have been a successful night out. I was just so pissed off by the end of it. Just wanted to leave. I was actually tempted to just walk myself home those 5 miles, rather than waiting for them to hurry up and give me a lift back.
Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!
I couldn't even sleep last night. What's with the temperature here being hotter than it is in Spain!? I mean, during the day I love it. But at night, I just want to sleep, and I can't. Being in the loft, with no windows, sure does have it's disadvantages sometimes. It only got to a sensible "me-being-able-to-consider-sleeping" temperature at about 5 this morning. Meaning I got the whole of about 3 hours sleep. And since today was even hotter than yesterday, I'm fucked tonight...And not even in the good way. ):
I'm gunna be like a bloody zombie tomorrow. So if anyone actually does know me, and is reading this, I apologise now for not being alive tomorrow. I don't actually want to go though. Today, my stalker made me realise just how unsafe I feel away from family, and away from the one person outside of family who knows. And since he's no longer going out with us, and family definately isn't coming, I'm scared. What if my stalker finds me, and realises just how easy it would be to take me from my friends. Fuck, they probably wouldn't even notice tbh. That's why I don't want to go. Much as I feel terrible right now, I can't stand the idea of him winning and having me. I'd rather be dead than have him touch me again. Please, just let my one person come, so I can feel safe. Else I'm so tempted to cancel, and just not go at all. And stay here with my mum, where I know he can't get to me through her.
I'm actually crying now...
I can't be dealing with this. It's kinda late, but I'm putting off going to my room. I mean I'm not going to sleep anyway, so what's the point. Even if it weren't so hot up there, with everything on my mind I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. But I am gunna go. Just because if I write anymore, I'll go mad thinking about it.
x x
Monday, 29 June 2009
Ahhhh babbeeeeyyy
It's sunny and I'm happppeeeeyyy (:
For like no reason, other than I am.
I'm just enjoying this while is lasts.
Smile people - it makes everything seem better (:
x x
For like no reason, other than I am.
I'm just enjoying this while is lasts.
Smile people - it makes everything seem better (:
x x
Sunday, 28 June 2009
I liked being hated better
It was so much easier to deal with.
I find out he still likes me a lot and I can't cope with it.
It's made me wanna cry.
Because I really like him still.
And I know given the chance, I would go straight back to him.
And I know that that can only lead to me being hurt again.
He is the only person who can make me truly happy, but he is also one of the only people who can make me wanna disappear.
God, why does he have so much control over me.
I want him so bad.
And I know I can't tell my friends or family that - they'd never understand. They know how badly he's hurt me. They will never understand how I can still love him after all of that.
I'm gunna have to think about this, before running back to him like I always do...
x x
I find out he still likes me a lot and I can't cope with it.
It's made me wanna cry.
Because I really like him still.
And I know given the chance, I would go straight back to him.
And I know that that can only lead to me being hurt again.
He is the only person who can make me truly happy, but he is also one of the only people who can make me wanna disappear.
God, why does he have so much control over me.
I want him so bad.
And I know I can't tell my friends or family that - they'd never understand. They know how badly he's hurt me. They will never understand how I can still love him after all of that.
I'm gunna have to think about this, before running back to him like I always do...
x x
Saturday, 27 June 2009
Best hangover cure?...Keep drinking...
And then you'll forget that you were hungover (: - tomorrow is gunna kill...
Last night was amazing.
It's not every night you can get away with acting like the biggest whore around, and not have anyone think anything of it.
You're just jealous you couldn't do it too.
The idea was that I wasn't gunna drink; I mean I took no money or ID for the bar so I couldn't buy any.
But I had drinks bought for me of course.
Some kinda cider, Strongbow, Mallibu and coke...
So much so, my 4 inch black heals were getting hard to walk in - and they are the easiest things to walk in that I own!
MS didn't know what he was missing out on til he saw me.
I looked gooood, even if I do say so myself - how else do you think I got my free drinks.
Lets see, drinks from TB, JC and JC (haha didn't realise they had the same initials...) and danced with JC, TB, JC, TP...Slow dance with MS's close friend, JA...
My aim to make MS hurt apparently worked as well, which I'm psyched about.
TP: "He doesn't know what he's missing out on, you look stunning, he's a twat..." - Awh thank you muchily (:
Everytime I walked anywhere near him, he walked off.
I didn't attempt to talk to him, and he didn't with me...He wasn't worth my time.
But my god he looked hot.
You're beautiful
Every little piece, love
Don't you know you're really gonna be someone,
Ask anyone
When you find everything you've looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh, but if it don't
Stay beautiful
And I still think of him too much.
And I still want him to realise what he did to me, and say something.
But last night was not the time for that...If it was then it would've happened.
I've accepted that he hates me, and I'm now gunna have to learn to live with that.
Ah well, enough for now.
Much love, x x
Last night was amazing.
It's not every night you can get away with acting like the biggest whore around, and not have anyone think anything of it.
You're just jealous you couldn't do it too.
The idea was that I wasn't gunna drink; I mean I took no money or ID for the bar so I couldn't buy any.
But I had drinks bought for me of course.
Some kinda cider, Strongbow, Mallibu and coke...
So much so, my 4 inch black heals were getting hard to walk in - and they are the easiest things to walk in that I own!
MS didn't know what he was missing out on til he saw me.
I looked gooood, even if I do say so myself - how else do you think I got my free drinks.
Lets see, drinks from TB, JC and JC (haha didn't realise they had the same initials...) and danced with JC, TB, JC, TP...Slow dance with MS's close friend, JA...
My aim to make MS hurt apparently worked as well, which I'm psyched about.
TP: "He doesn't know what he's missing out on, you look stunning, he's a twat..." - Awh thank you muchily (:
Everytime I walked anywhere near him, he walked off.
I didn't attempt to talk to him, and he didn't with me...He wasn't worth my time.
But my god he looked hot.
You're beautiful
Every little piece, love
Don't you know you're really gonna be someone,
Ask anyone
When you find everything you've looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh, but if it don't
Stay beautiful
And I still think of him too much.
And I still want him to realise what he did to me, and say something.
But last night was not the time for that...If it was then it would've happened.
I've accepted that he hates me, and I'm now gunna have to learn to live with that.
Ah well, enough for now.
Much love, x x
Friday, 26 June 2009
Billie Jean
...is not my lover
Shes just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the
kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son...
♥
RIP Michael Jackson.
May you live forever through your music.
You will never be forgotten.
Only the good die young
Too young to die.
I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself,
And then make a change
♥
Shes just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the
kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son...
♥
RIP Michael Jackson.
May you live forever through your music.
You will never be forgotten.
Only the good die young
Too young to die.
I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself,
And then make a change
♥
Thursday, 25 June 2009
You're just jealous
I wish my life was as perfect as yours.
I wish that when he said he cared, he meant it.
And when he said he loved me, it was true.
MS - I still love you.
I want to forget him.
Someone find me a hot, single guy to take my mind off him.
I need a distraction.
...
He's a twat and I need to be over him.
I wanna be happy again.
I wish that when he said he cared, he meant it.
And when he said he loved me, it was true.
MS - I still love you.
I want to forget him.
Someone find me a hot, single guy to take my mind off him.
I need a distraction.
...
He's a twat and I need to be over him.
I wanna be happy again.
Blogging...
So this seemed like the best way to do things. I'm just an average girl. I just want to go into hiding, and have noone be aware of who I am. But I want people to remember I am still here. I am still that girl they once knew, and I do have feelings too - I have too many feelings.
Give me a chance to be me for once.
Just let me have a chance to write everything out as it happens, and I may be able to see things clearly for the first time. I would love to be truely happy.
I love fakeness...
Much love, x x
Give me a chance to be me for once.
Just let me have a chance to write everything out as it happens, and I may be able to see things clearly for the first time. I would love to be truely happy.
I love fakeness...
Much love, x x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
