Complicatedd

So maybe it's true

That I can't live without you

And maybe two is better than one

There's so much time

To figure out the rest of my life

And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking two is better than one

Boys Like Girls ft Taylor Swift: Two Is Better Than One

Don't you just hate complications.

Don't you just hate it when you feel like hating your best friend?

I had an early(ish) night last night. I felt like shit, so I just went to bed at about half 11. I got a text like just before 1am, woke me up. I saw it was from Zoe, and actually told me phone to leave me alone. But then felt really guilty when I saw she was really upset and how much she wanted me there because I was the only person who could make her feel better. I was just like awh bless, so went about trying to make her feel a bit better. Then she nicely tagged on the end "btw i slept in the same bed as mike and kissed him while i was with ben sorry ***** iunno what came over me.Sorry forgive me XxXxxxx"

So naturally that pissed me off majorly. My best friend and my ex. My ex who I've been wanting so much recently. But she didn't know that. As far as she's aware, I've moved on from him completely, so I just carried on letting her think that. But at least that explains why he has been kinda distant with me recently.

She's a babe, and I'm actually pleased she told me. I'm glad we've remained so close even though we're so far apart. And he's such a good friend, because he was just comforting her. I've realised now that although I hate that it happened, it really didn't mean anything. And they both still mean so much to me.

So yeah, I still want him. But I've totally accepted that I can't have him. Stupid, eh? If I'd just said yes to him a few weeks ago, I wouldn't be having this problem now...

xxx

Letter #2

Hey Mr ** hott rock star **

I think even you've probably noticed how things have become different between us recently. Like how when I first came here, I just had to talk to you everyday. So we ended up talking everyday about any random thing. And I felt us getting closer; I really liked that. Because I really liked you. But now, things have changed. I guess you felt that when you asked if I still wanted you to take me out. But I said "yes" so everything should've been back on track. But it's not. I know it's not, and I guess you know that too.

I've only ever mentioned my ex to you once. Remember that? I was trying to stop one of my friends from hurting him. And you asked something about him not being a nice person. And I jumped straight back in defending him; "No, he's not. He's a lovely person." I stand by that 100%. Because he is such a good person. And too good for me for certain.

Maybe that was a clue to you that I still liked him. Maybe not. I don't really know. But it was definately a clue to me that I really liked him.

He still likes me. He didn't hesitate in telling me that. Up until that point I thought I knew I wanted you. But when he told me he still had feelings for me, that bought back my old feelings for him. I never stopped liking him. I just moved on and let myself like someone else at the same time.

But me and him. Our relationship was pretty intense. And not something I can easily put behind me.

He wants me back. He made that very clear. And when I told him now wasn't the right time for that, he couldn't understand. Because I told him in a way that was open to us getting back together in the future. I couldn't say "no" to him. And when I tried, it was a "I wish we could go back too, BUT..." and that's not turning someone down at all.

Especially when I was lying in bed one night and I just really wanted him there. And I told him that. And it seemed like we'd managed to go back to how we were, just by me saying that one thing. Then he stopped texting me, and you came back from a gig and started. That's when you asked me out. And I said "yes" whilst totally aware of where my true feelings were.

But I told myself it was just a relapse. I'm not going back to him. And that was just the final thing I needed to get out of my system.

However, I ended up doing pretty much the same thing the next night. Texted him asking him to warm me up. And again going back to how we were. But again, after he stopped texting, you came back from another gig and started. And when I mentioned being cold, you said how you wished you were here with me to warm me up. Made me realise everything I've been doing is just leading you on.

I want you; but I want him more.

So although I won't be getting back with him, at least I can't see it happening, I'm still not sure if this is right for us. Especially if I'm not totally into it.

I'm back home in less than 3 weeks, and sure I want to see you. But right now, I don't know if I want to see you like as a date, or just a friend. And I'm sorry. Things are just pretty much messed up right now...

So sorry I've treated you so badly.

xxx



This was the second letter I wrote. Clearly not to the same person as the last, but one that I still couldn't send to him. How can I tell him all that through a letter?? That's just another thing I have to do face to face. And yet another thing that is so messed up :/

I wish things were simple again...

xxx

Letter #1

Hey darling :)

I'm just gunna say a few things, which will most likely give you more of a reason to totally blank me, but it only seems fair to say.

Everything I've said to you recently I've meant. That I wanted you, that I missed you, that it bad of me to...All of it, because I don't lie to you. In an ideal world, I would still really like for you to be here with me, but that's not gunna happen. I'm home in less than three weeks and I just need to be sure I'm doing the right thing before then. Because I'm really gunna end up hurting someone if it's all wrong...

Y'know when you first started talking to me again, and I mentioned that guy, Gary, and about how he wasn't going to do anything because of the distance. But that I wanted him to. Well he did. He asked me to let him take me out when I'm home. And he's really excited about me coming back.I'm not though. I mean, I said yes to him. But it was like an automatic responce, like it seemed like the right thing to say, even if I didn't actually want to. Which is totally wrong of me. My best friend wants this for me more than I do for myself.

Because I just want you.

Beckii...She added you because I found myself telling her about you, she was curious I guess. She wanted to know more about the guy I really liked. But I can't blame her for looking out for me, although she totally don't get anything, so much as I love her I've not even told her that. She wouldn't understand.

So yeah, I seem to find myself in bed too often just thinking. Normally I end up with little arguements in my head. Like when I'm just thinking about you and how good everything was, I'll have this voice telling me it's wrong to think that. Because I shouldn't be thinking about you. I should be thinking about him. After all, he's the guy who I'm supposedly seeing now.

Babe, some things just suck, right? Recently it would be how I've treated you. How I told you I don't think it's right for us to be together, followed by everything I said late at night about wanting you. And now how I'm telling you this. Except I'm not because I'm too chicken to actually send it to you. But it will be somewhere, and if you ever come across it, then believe me when I say I'm sorry.

I didn't want it to go this way.

Do you have any idea how much I wish to be with you right now. I don't mean as in being your girlfriend. I mean literally being with you in Sheffield. Because I need to see you. And I think this would be so much easier to tell you face to face.

I need you in my life.

That's why I wanted us to be friends again. Even after everything, and how bad you made me feel. I still couldn't lose you completely. Babe, don't you see that? Please don't cut me out of your life again.

I miss you so badly.

I want you so much more.

Much love, gorgeous
xxxxxxxxxxxx


I was actually going to send this to him, but decided against it last minute. It's all true, especially when I say I need to see him. When I do, that is when he will know all that he needs to. It's wrong to let him know like this :/

I feel terrible right now :(

xxx

:'(

I pretty much lost an entire weekend of my life. Saturday morning I went shopping, was great :) I've missed proper shopping. Got back, ended up with some person having a go at me and calling me a racist bitch, because I was too busy to talk to him. So I wasn't too impressed. And from about 1:30pm onwards I was drinking, up to the point that I ended up in bed. I woke up Sunday at roughly half 12ish, and by 1 I was already drinking again. All weekend I didn't have a single non-alcoholic drink. That's bad...

I felt shit this morning :/

And I think I've now lost Michael completely. I don't want to have done. But he won't talk to me :'( and that kinda depresses me more than it should. And I've got no alcohol to numb the pain atm...

FML.

xxx

Irrational fears?

So I'm talking to a friend atm, and he's just said a chav started abusing him because he has long hair, and his response was to just laugh at him.

I had these two black guys come up to me today, just randomly started talking to me and asked for my number. I was petrified of them. I really thought they were going to do something to me :/ luckily there was this old man who noticed my discomfort and just stood and a distance and watched to make sure they did nothing. But I was still so scared.

So those two things from today, have made me realise that I have some very irrational fears. Such as black men and chavs...It's really not normal, I know. But then I'm also scared of being near windows on the ground floor when it's dark outside but light inside.

So yeah, I'm not normal...

xxx

Memory...

I was studying about this today in psychology. But this actually has nothing to do with my lecture. Or my scary mad lecturer. I was talking to Gary, he's from the town I lived in when I was very little. And he mentioned something about it, and I had suddenly remembered this really dodgy thing.

We lived in a very small house back in Wisbech. You'd walk though the front door to the hall way, on the right was a kitchen, straight on was the living room. From the living room you could walk straight out onto the garden. The staircase was in the living room, right by the doorway to outside. Up the stairs, there was no landing, it went straight onto the bedroom. The only bedroom. Cross the bedroom, and you'd go into the bathroom. And that was it; 4 rooms and a hallway. Before we moved, there were 6 of us living there. Mum, dad, me, my two sisters and my brother. Me and one of my sisters shared a bunkbed under the window in the bedroom. My other sister and brother had cots, in the same room. Mum and dad slept in the living room. It wasn't exactly ideal. All the houses on the Close were the same, however they weren't family homes. The couple one side nextdoor were childless. The other side was an old couple, who we came to know as "Nanny&Grandad-nextdoor". And despite how it wasn't good for us living there, it was somewhere I had gotten used to.

When I first found out we were moving house, I was excited, as though it was some kind of adventure. I told all my friends, and even at that age I thought we would be friends forever, staying in contact with them always. But that never happened. Honestly, I wouldn't even be able to tell you most of their names right now. School for that one year was good. The library was in a tower block. Or at least you had to go up some stairs, when I was that little it may have just seemed like a tower. In the playground there was a wooden ship to play on, which I remember really liking. I don't think I realised that moving house and school actually meant leaving that place behind.

But that's not quite the important part I remembered...

After we'd packed up and we were leaving our house for the final time, and we were driving on the main road towards Lynn. We only had a few personal stuff in the car with us. And by personal, I mean I had a colouring book and a doll with me. My siblings had other such stuff with them. We we just going down the road and I remember realising we were going to be living in a different place and thinking "now I'm going to have to remember a new way of getting to nanny and grandad's if I want to run away". I had perfectly remembered the route from our house to nanny and grandad's in case I ever wanted to leave home for some reason and stay with them instead. This was 3 months before I turned 5 years old.

Thinking back like that, makes me realise that my family life never seems to have been perfect. I mean, how could it have been if I was already wanting to run away at such a young age? I quickly did learn the new route to their house, and indeed to my other grandparents as well. I actually was pleased that we now seemed to be closer to them, so when I did run away it wouldn't be so far for me to run. In my naiveness I did believe that running away involved me having to run the whole way, so being closer seemed very good to me.

That random thought just kinda scared me I guess...

xxx

=/

I wish I had an empty corner in my room, so I could just curl up in it and pretend I don't exist...
Kill me now.

xxx

Cough cough cough

Still soo ill :( mega bad times (N) I got myself cough medicine since I still can't stop coughing. It's tastes revolting. But I'm hopeful that it will work :) I actually had to go to my seminar today, was a complusary one so I had no choice. But hey, for the first time since being here, I actually contributed something!! Even though my voice is soo dodgy that I sound nothing like myself atm. But yeah, I thinking I'm slowing making progress.

Question:
My of my boy_friends split up with his girlfriend the other night. And she wanted him back. He asked my advice, even with him knowing how messed up my own damn love-life is...So I tried to help him, and oh look they're now back together and happy again. How the fuck!? So I can fix their love-lifes, but not my own! How does that work out..??

Ugh, I hate this.

But y'know, shit happens.

And did you know that there are so many public interest factors involved in the prosecution process? Well neither did I. But I've done so much work today, that I now have over a page and a half of just the factors I found written down, and that's without explaining them. Did you know that I found researching about it very interesting, which nicely proves to me that I am definately on the right degree (Y). Love it :)

9am lecture tomorrow. I have to be up for it in about 6 and a half hours :/ great...Well I can see I'll be most likely sleeping through that lecture. Oh dear. I'm thinking I should go to bed now, so good night darlings.

xxx

X Factor, Shakira, and illness...

Short convo between me and a friend that I find amusing:
Him: Did you see the X Factor on Sunday?
Me: I watched Shakira, then turned it off.
Him: Did you enjoy Shakira then?
Me: Yeah I did. But then, there's very little she does that I don't enjoy.
Him: But don't you think she's become too commercialised with her new music?
Me: Nahh, she's evolved. And even though that kind of music doesn't usually appeal to me, it's Shakira. And somehow I feel my music tastes have evolved with her.
Him: Riiiiight...
Me: Plus she can't stick with DELL style forever.
Him: What's dell..?
Haha once again, I assume that everyone understands the Shakira shorthand :P (DELL = Donde Estan Los Ladrones, if you're wondering).
I decided to just leave it at that before making him think I'm some kinda obsessed mega fan.

On the total downside, I'm still soooo ill. Sucks big time. In fact, the girl who didn't miss a single day off sixth form even when she had shingles and a chest infection that lead to pneumonia, had to take a day off from her lectures today! That's how bad I'm feeling. Spent most of the day in bed NOT SLEEPING because I find it so hard to sleep when I'm ill :/ plus I actually find it hard to sleep here in general with the fucking noisy neighbour I have...

...Who incidently has just came back from ANOTHER night out, with yet ANOTHER guy. And just as I was actually planning on going to sleep. Looks like that won't be happening for a while, even though I have to be up in less than 8 hours. I really don't like her :(

But anyways, I think I may try to sleep now regardless. Put my mp3 player on nice and loud to drown her out if I have to! Which btw, I really hope I don't have to...

Good night, xxx

Soooo ill

It sucks big time :(
And I'm so tired, and really can't sleep because of this bloody illness.
Not happy right now.

And I'm really missing my friends.
I can't wait to see them :)

And woo to a pointless blog.

xxx

Fucked up in the head

So it has actually been like forever since I've written on here :S which means I have like no idea where to start right now.

Instead of filling you in with the past few months, I'll just write about now. I'll allow those months to be a total mystery, which is probably for the better anyway.

I'm sitting in my pretty small uni room, listening to Bon Jovi sing possibly my most favourite song of all time. ALWAYS ♥ You know the only thing wrong with this amazing song? It makes me think. Think about a wonderful ex of mine. Stupid, eh? But consider this bit of it But baby if you give me just one more try We can pack up our old dreams And our old lives We'll find a place where the sun still shines. Michael wants me back. He pretty much said he wants to go back to how we were (back in those mystery months). But up until then I'd moved on. I seriously really liked this guy, Gary.

So a bit about this...

Gary and I had been getting pretty close before I moved about 200 miles away for uni. To be totally honest, I never thought anything serious could happen with me and him, but I did still really like him; I do still really like him. And everything was actually going pretty well considering the distance between us.

But then Michael...I started talking to him again like 2 months after our incredibly bad finish. I thought he hated me, but I hated the idea of leaving things so bad between us. So after a long cool off period, I thought maybe we could fix things...Simple, right? Wrong. Michael nicely fessed up to still liking me. And how he'd never stopped. Complicating my feelings for him again. But I thought, that's okay, he know's about Gary, so we can still be friends. A few days later, he asked if we can go back to how we were :/ and I told him no. I was certain that I wouldn't go back to him. And I thought how it's still all okay. We can still be friends.

One day last week, I was laying in bed, totally unable to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about Michael. And about how I wasn't sure if I'd made the right decision. I mean what if Michael is the right guy for me? I found myself texting him telling him that I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking of him. And he found that cute...I told myself that was a one off relapse, and nothing like that would happen again.

Two nights ago, I was there in bed, and I guess I just wasn't thinking. I texted him. That I wanted him there. And I found myself slipping back into old ways with him. It was just so easy to do so. And it actually made me so happy.

But like a couple hours after I stopped texting him, Gary came back from a gig. And he asked me if i was still up for him taking me out when I was back home. I said yes.

And once again, I told myself that the Michael thing was me just slipping up, and it would not happen again.

In bed last night freezing cold. "Come warm me up? Please. xxxxx" To Michael. Again. Once again "slipping up". And then once again a few hours after I stopped texting Michael, Gary came back from another gig very drunk. And started talking about wanting to be here with me, and about taking me out.

I feel so bad right now.

I haven't spoken to either of them today.

Other than when I first woke up and texted Michael telling him I was disappointed he wasn't laying in bed next to me, because my dream lead me to believe he was there...But luckily he didn't reply, so I had no chance to go back to that.

I'm a bitch.

And I'm with Gary.

I've thought long about this. And I can't always go back to Michael every time he snaps his fingers. It's just not right to.

Ugh, I'm badly messed up...

xxx