You know what? Life sucks. And it's way out of my control. If it's a friend that's making life hard, then cut them out and after a while you'll be fine. But what can you do with family. No matter what, they will be a part of your life, and you can't change that.
Today has been bad.
Why can't everyone just stop arguing. Can't they see that they are making things ever so hard for me to live here. I keep getting pushed closer and closer to the edge. I don't want to be here. Truth be told, sometimes I have thoughts that are wrong. "Have you ever looked out of a window, and wondered how much it would hurt if you jumped out?" I can't help myself.
Even Adam isn't making me happy. It's just not right.
x x
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
Sunday, 19 July 2009
Smileeyyy
So possibly -THE- hottest guy -EVER- added me on flickr, and commented on several pictures of me, saying how gorgeous I look (: that's a huuuge confidence boost in itself. I have found myself a new love haha.
And just things have been getting better guy-wise. I mean I'm still single, but I just feel better. Their are hot, single, guys everywhere, and I'm only just realising it now. I'm finally opening my eyes!
And I have a pact with a friend I love dearly. He's looking for his future wife, I'm looking for my future husband...If we can't find them, then we'll find each other at the church...He'll be the one at the alter, and I'll be the one in the gorgeous dress. Perfect.
I love dreadlocks <3
x x
And just things have been getting better guy-wise. I mean I'm still single, but I just feel better. Their are hot, single, guys everywhere, and I'm only just realising it now. I'm finally opening my eyes!
And I have a pact with a friend I love dearly. He's looking for his future wife, I'm looking for my future husband...If we can't find them, then we'll find each other at the church...He'll be the one at the alter, and I'll be the one in the gorgeous dress. Perfect.
I love dreadlocks <3
x x
Saturday, 18 July 2009
Arranged marriages aren't seeming so bad
So I keep seeing all these loved up couples, and I just keep thinking "I want that!"
And I wondered why I can't have that.
But it's obvious, when you think about it.
I never go for the safe guys.
I mean, look at Michael. I've been after him for like a year, and look where that's got me. No-fucking-where. He's the least safe person, in the idea that I never knew where I stood with him, and that I always put up with so much shit from him. And now I'm single, and he has a girlfriend, who isn't me.
And before him, Paav. I thought he was perfect. We were engaged for fuck's sake. That one seemed so safe to me back then. And he cheated on me. Broke my heart; he was the first person to do so. We're friends now though, which isn't too bad.
But, looking back, neither of my two loves were actually any good for me.
And I was thinking, my family knows what's best for me...Something that I clearly don't yet. Maybe if I want a successful relationship, they should pick the guy for me...I know for certain, they would never have picked Michael or Paav for me.
Family arranging a marriage for you, has never seemed like such a good idea to me, as it is right now...
x x
And I wondered why I can't have that.
But it's obvious, when you think about it.
I never go for the safe guys.
I mean, look at Michael. I've been after him for like a year, and look where that's got me. No-fucking-where. He's the least safe person, in the idea that I never knew where I stood with him, and that I always put up with so much shit from him. And now I'm single, and he has a girlfriend, who isn't me.
And before him, Paav. I thought he was perfect. We were engaged for fuck's sake. That one seemed so safe to me back then. And he cheated on me. Broke my heart; he was the first person to do so. We're friends now though, which isn't too bad.
But, looking back, neither of my two loves were actually any good for me.
And I was thinking, my family knows what's best for me...Something that I clearly don't yet. Maybe if I want a successful relationship, they should pick the guy for me...I know for certain, they would never have picked Michael or Paav for me.
Family arranging a marriage for you, has never seemed like such a good idea to me, as it is right now...
x x
Friday, 17 July 2009
Only I could make myself look this stupid
Of course he's not ignoring me.
Regardless to what I obviously assumed.
Of course he's just working, and has been obviously for every spare moment for over a week.
How could I forget his work hours are that long.
Of course I was jumping to conclusions.
And of course I should "just.. caaaalm" - wonderful advice that.
But babe, much as I care for you, and want to believe you, you are possibly the biggest bullshitter I know.
If you don't want to talk to me, just say so, I much prefer the truth right now.
I feel so stupid.
x x
Regardless to what I obviously assumed.
Of course he's just working, and has been obviously for every spare moment for over a week.
How could I forget his work hours are that long.
Of course I was jumping to conclusions.
And of course I should "just.. caaaalm" - wonderful advice that.
But babe, much as I care for you, and want to believe you, you are possibly the biggest bullshitter I know.
If you don't want to talk to me, just say so, I much prefer the truth right now.
I feel so stupid.
x x
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Babysitting...
...A shrew...
Damning that cat of mine for bringing it home.
Trying to get it to eat.
I WILL MAKE IT SURVIVE!
It's so cute...
x x
Damning that cat of mine for bringing it home.
Trying to get it to eat.
I WILL MAKE IT SURVIVE!
It's so cute...
x x
Friday, 10 July 2009
Why do I take so many photos!?
Sorting them all out on flickr...There's already over 8000 on there, which I now have completely sorted out, but I have so many pictures that still need to be uploaded to be sorted out. For the first time ever I'm regretting taking so many. Eg the Festival Too pictures have now been uploading for like 2 hours, and are now 25% done!! It's so slow to upload...
x x
x x
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Then you feel so low, you can't feel nothing at all
Once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday
When I caught your eye
And we caught onto something,
I hold on to the night
You looked me in the eye and told me you loved me
Were you just kidding? 'Cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down, we almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby, what happened? Please tell me'
Cause one second it was perfect
Now you're halfway out the door
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said, forever and always
Oh, oh
Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest
That made you run and hide like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute
Now I'm not so sure
So here's to everything, coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute
But I don't anymore
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said forever and always
Oh, oh
Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn't mean it, baby, I don't think so
Oh, oh
Oh, back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything?
Back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything?
'Cause it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
Oh, I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when we said forever and always!
And it rains in your bedroom, and everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn't mean it, baby, you said forever and always ya
♥
God, I miss him so much. But I'm no longer feeling the pain. I thought this song just summed us up perfectly )':
x x
When I caught your eye
And we caught onto something,
I hold on to the night
You looked me in the eye and told me you loved me
Were you just kidding? 'Cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down, we almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby, what happened? Please tell me'
Cause one second it was perfect
Now you're halfway out the door
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said, forever and always
Oh, oh
Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest
That made you run and hide like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute
Now I'm not so sure
So here's to everything, coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute
But I don't anymore
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said forever and always
Oh, oh
Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn't mean it, baby, I don't think so
Oh, oh
Oh, back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything?
Back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything?
'Cause it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
Oh, I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when we said forever and always!
And it rains in your bedroom, and everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn't mean it, baby, you said forever and always ya
♥
God, I miss him so much. But I'm no longer feeling the pain. I thought this song just summed us up perfectly )':
x x
Monday, 6 July 2009
The Brink
Are possibly the most amazing band EVER. I saw them for the second time, Saturday night. Last year I was really far back, so despite the awesome sound, I couldn't really see them. This year, me, my sister and a friend, got there 3 hours before they started playing, so we could be right at the front. And it was the best decision we could've made. I took some really good pictures of them and The Hoodwinks playing, and a couple of okay videos. And omg Alex (the guitarist) is soooo hot. And I got a picture (and a hug) from Matt, the singer. And Matt has literally just added me on facebook ♥ ... We (my sister and I) were sooo drunk, by the time Bay City Rollers were on, neither of us could take a proper picture. Festival Too just made my whole month haha (:
x x
x x
Friday, 3 July 2009
It's strange how things change so quickly
Sometimes it's good. But other times I hate it.
Today I hated it.
I was happy. Last day I will ever have to go to school, other than to collect results, and to celebrate a load of us went to Spoons, which would have been so much better if (a) I wasn't underage; and (b) I wasn't so damn bored there. But still, I was happy. I was even happy after a few of them decided to go bowling, and I went with them, resulting in me being soaked from the rain. I cant bowl, though, so instead of making a fool of myself, I chose to watch. And I honestly didn't mind that - I was freezing and hurting all over, but still I didn't mind, I had my own personal radiator ;). But then a couple other people turned up, and I lost him to them, it sucks how he can't be good to me in front of everyone. That's when the happiness faded, just that quickly. But who cares, right? After we left them and went back to Spoons, he was mega nice to me. And I had that small glimmer of hope back again (and a voice yelling "No, don't fall for it, you'll only get hurt again!"), and then he left me, and I didn't know how to feel. God, I'm so messed up right now. Why do I fall for his smile every time? And why is it that every time he looks into my eyes (he has the most beautiful eyes), I lose the ability to think? It's just not fair.
Now I feel terrible. But strangely, it has nothing to do with him.
I'm so sunburnt from yesterday. I mean, not just slightly pink, but I've changed colour completely. Every bit of skin that was visible yesterday is a shade of red, except my arms which are now a pinky brown. Whenever I lie down, my back hurts. And having had the final injection for the HPV thing today, my arm aches incredibly to move. I'm guessing it must be all the sunburn that's actually making me feel ill though. I feel so dizzy all the time, and like I move and just kinda collapse down. It's really horrible. I'm hoping I feel better once I've slept, which is exactly what I'm gunna go do now...
x x
Today I hated it.
I was happy. Last day I will ever have to go to school, other than to collect results, and to celebrate a load of us went to Spoons, which would have been so much better if (a) I wasn't underage; and (b) I wasn't so damn bored there. But still, I was happy. I was even happy after a few of them decided to go bowling, and I went with them, resulting in me being soaked from the rain. I cant bowl, though, so instead of making a fool of myself, I chose to watch. And I honestly didn't mind that - I was freezing and hurting all over, but still I didn't mind, I had my own personal radiator ;). But then a couple other people turned up, and I lost him to them, it sucks how he can't be good to me in front of everyone. That's when the happiness faded, just that quickly. But who cares, right? After we left them and went back to Spoons, he was mega nice to me. And I had that small glimmer of hope back again (and a voice yelling "No, don't fall for it, you'll only get hurt again!"), and then he left me, and I didn't know how to feel. God, I'm so messed up right now. Why do I fall for his smile every time? And why is it that every time he looks into my eyes (he has the most beautiful eyes), I lose the ability to think? It's just not fair.
Now I feel terrible. But strangely, it has nothing to do with him.
I'm so sunburnt from yesterday. I mean, not just slightly pink, but I've changed colour completely. Every bit of skin that was visible yesterday is a shade of red, except my arms which are now a pinky brown. Whenever I lie down, my back hurts. And having had the final injection for the HPV thing today, my arm aches incredibly to move. I'm guessing it must be all the sunburn that's actually making me feel ill though. I feel so dizzy all the time, and like I move and just kinda collapse down. It's really horrible. I'm hoping I feel better once I've slept, which is exactly what I'm gunna go do now...
x x
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
I wanna escape the world
And be by myself. Or just not be at all.
Last night, was as far as I'm concerned, a comlpete disaster. Sure the film was good, and I was with people I liked (and a few I didn't know) and tbh it seemed like it would be a really good night out. But no. It never goes quite the way you want it to. Why can't people just listen to me!? If they had've done, things would've run a lot smoother, and maybe it would have been a successful night out. I was just so pissed off by the end of it. Just wanted to leave. I was actually tempted to just walk myself home those 5 miles, rather than waiting for them to hurry up and give me a lift back.
Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!
I couldn't even sleep last night. What's with the temperature here being hotter than it is in Spain!? I mean, during the day I love it. But at night, I just want to sleep, and I can't. Being in the loft, with no windows, sure does have it's disadvantages sometimes. It only got to a sensible "me-being-able-to-consider-sleeping" temperature at about 5 this morning. Meaning I got the whole of about 3 hours sleep. And since today was even hotter than yesterday, I'm fucked tonight...And not even in the good way. ):
I'm gunna be like a bloody zombie tomorrow. So if anyone actually does know me, and is reading this, I apologise now for not being alive tomorrow. I don't actually want to go though. Today, my stalker made me realise just how unsafe I feel away from family, and away from the one person outside of family who knows. And since he's no longer going out with us, and family definately isn't coming, I'm scared. What if my stalker finds me, and realises just how easy it would be to take me from my friends. Fuck, they probably wouldn't even notice tbh. That's why I don't want to go. Much as I feel terrible right now, I can't stand the idea of him winning and having me. I'd rather be dead than have him touch me again. Please, just let my one person come, so I can feel safe. Else I'm so tempted to cancel, and just not go at all. And stay here with my mum, where I know he can't get to me through her.
I'm actually crying now...
I can't be dealing with this. It's kinda late, but I'm putting off going to my room. I mean I'm not going to sleep anyway, so what's the point. Even if it weren't so hot up there, with everything on my mind I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. But I am gunna go. Just because if I write anymore, I'll go mad thinking about it.
x x
Last night, was as far as I'm concerned, a comlpete disaster. Sure the film was good, and I was with people I liked (and a few I didn't know) and tbh it seemed like it would be a really good night out. But no. It never goes quite the way you want it to. Why can't people just listen to me!? If they had've done, things would've run a lot smoother, and maybe it would have been a successful night out. I was just so pissed off by the end of it. Just wanted to leave. I was actually tempted to just walk myself home those 5 miles, rather than waiting for them to hurry up and give me a lift back.
Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!
I couldn't even sleep last night. What's with the temperature here being hotter than it is in Spain!? I mean, during the day I love it. But at night, I just want to sleep, and I can't. Being in the loft, with no windows, sure does have it's disadvantages sometimes. It only got to a sensible "me-being-able-to-consider-sleeping" temperature at about 5 this morning. Meaning I got the whole of about 3 hours sleep. And since today was even hotter than yesterday, I'm fucked tonight...And not even in the good way. ):
I'm gunna be like a bloody zombie tomorrow. So if anyone actually does know me, and is reading this, I apologise now for not being alive tomorrow. I don't actually want to go though. Today, my stalker made me realise just how unsafe I feel away from family, and away from the one person outside of family who knows. And since he's no longer going out with us, and family definately isn't coming, I'm scared. What if my stalker finds me, and realises just how easy it would be to take me from my friends. Fuck, they probably wouldn't even notice tbh. That's why I don't want to go. Much as I feel terrible right now, I can't stand the idea of him winning and having me. I'd rather be dead than have him touch me again. Please, just let my one person come, so I can feel safe. Else I'm so tempted to cancel, and just not go at all. And stay here with my mum, where I know he can't get to me through her.
I'm actually crying now...
I can't be dealing with this. It's kinda late, but I'm putting off going to my room. I mean I'm not going to sleep anyway, so what's the point. Even if it weren't so hot up there, with everything on my mind I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. But I am gunna go. Just because if I write anymore, I'll go mad thinking about it.
x x
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