Just bare with me here. I just need to write, so God knows if this will make any sense.
I've hardly slept in days. Sunday night I had about four hours, last night I had roughly five. I know it's really not healthy and I'm so exhausted it's rediculous. It's now half past midnight and I can't sleep.
I had to go to court today for my seminar. It was actually quite interesting to begin with. Got shown around and things were explained to us. And the judge was a really nice guy. So I was beginning to think that maybe it was worth me having to get up an extra hour early for this special seminar.
They had a list of cases going on in different courts, and we were to sit in on one of them. Of course our tutor didn't want to put us into one that would be boring, but he also didn't want to put us into something "traumatic" like murder (btw there weren't actually any murder cases on, that was just an example he gave us). So he chose for us to go into a case which was only on it's second day, so we'd have a chance to see a case which had only just begun. It was a sexual abuse case, where a step-father figure had abused a young boy throughout the 80s and the boy had only came to the police about this last year. We went into the court and the abused was called to the stand and they showed his initial interview with the police on a screen for the jury to see. The abuser was in a glass box at the back of the court. They showed the video for about an hour. And I was trying so hard not to cry. It really made me think. There was this guy who had been abused so long ago, being brave and standing infront of the courts and telling the jury what had happened to him. And I was thinking how there was no chance that I would ever be able to do that. How the guy who tried to rape me will never be sentenced because I would never be able to stand in front of the court and say what had happened to me. So he will just go free. And fuck knows, maybe he will attempt it with some other girl, maybe he already has., but I can't face him. After they showed that part of the video, we all went out for a break. And my tutor was asking us about how we were finding it, I just felt faint. The abuser was free to just walk about during this break as well, he came right by us and I was actually so scared. It was one of those times where I was scared into silence. They went back in after the break to see how the rest of the trial would go about today. I couldn't. I couldn't go back in there and listen to more of that. I couldn't stand how his abuse was making me think of my attack. And it scared me so badly.
I've not been able to think of anything else all day. And I just wanted a big hug from Gary, which clearly I couldn't have since it's so far between us. He asked me what was up, but I just told him I didn't want to talk about it. I just needed him here :(
I hate feeling like this, I just don't know what to do with myself. Everyone else was actually excited that we were getting to sit in such a high profiled case. I just couldn't wait to be out of there. I actually don't want to have to see my tutor again because I know he noticed that I'd gone pale and silent when we came out. I don't want questions.
Ugh I want to go home now please.
xxx
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