Letter #1

Hey darling :)

I'm just gunna say a few things, which will most likely give you more of a reason to totally blank me, but it only seems fair to say.

Everything I've said to you recently I've meant. That I wanted you, that I missed you, that it bad of me to...All of it, because I don't lie to you. In an ideal world, I would still really like for you to be here with me, but that's not gunna happen. I'm home in less than three weeks and I just need to be sure I'm doing the right thing before then. Because I'm really gunna end up hurting someone if it's all wrong...

Y'know when you first started talking to me again, and I mentioned that guy, Gary, and about how he wasn't going to do anything because of the distance. But that I wanted him to. Well he did. He asked me to let him take me out when I'm home. And he's really excited about me coming back.I'm not though. I mean, I said yes to him. But it was like an automatic responce, like it seemed like the right thing to say, even if I didn't actually want to. Which is totally wrong of me. My best friend wants this for me more than I do for myself.

Because I just want you.

Beckii...She added you because I found myself telling her about you, she was curious I guess. She wanted to know more about the guy I really liked. But I can't blame her for looking out for me, although she totally don't get anything, so much as I love her I've not even told her that. She wouldn't understand.

So yeah, I seem to find myself in bed too often just thinking. Normally I end up with little arguements in my head. Like when I'm just thinking about you and how good everything was, I'll have this voice telling me it's wrong to think that. Because I shouldn't be thinking about you. I should be thinking about him. After all, he's the guy who I'm supposedly seeing now.

Babe, some things just suck, right? Recently it would be how I've treated you. How I told you I don't think it's right for us to be together, followed by everything I said late at night about wanting you. And now how I'm telling you this. Except I'm not because I'm too chicken to actually send it to you. But it will be somewhere, and if you ever come across it, then believe me when I say I'm sorry.

I didn't want it to go this way.

Do you have any idea how much I wish to be with you right now. I don't mean as in being your girlfriend. I mean literally being with you in Sheffield. Because I need to see you. And I think this would be so much easier to tell you face to face.

I need you in my life.

That's why I wanted us to be friends again. Even after everything, and how bad you made me feel. I still couldn't lose you completely. Babe, don't you see that? Please don't cut me out of your life again.

I miss you so badly.

I want you so much more.

Much love, gorgeous
xxxxxxxxxxxx


I was actually going to send this to him, but decided against it last minute. It's all true, especially when I say I need to see him. When I do, that is when he will know all that he needs to. It's wrong to let him know like this :/

I feel terrible right now :(

xxx