Fucked up in the head

So it has actually been like forever since I've written on here :S which means I have like no idea where to start right now.

Instead of filling you in with the past few months, I'll just write about now. I'll allow those months to be a total mystery, which is probably for the better anyway.

I'm sitting in my pretty small uni room, listening to Bon Jovi sing possibly my most favourite song of all time. ALWAYS ♥ You know the only thing wrong with this amazing song? It makes me think. Think about a wonderful ex of mine. Stupid, eh? But consider this bit of it But baby if you give me just one more try We can pack up our old dreams And our old lives We'll find a place where the sun still shines. Michael wants me back. He pretty much said he wants to go back to how we were (back in those mystery months). But up until then I'd moved on. I seriously really liked this guy, Gary.

So a bit about this...

Gary and I had been getting pretty close before I moved about 200 miles away for uni. To be totally honest, I never thought anything serious could happen with me and him, but I did still really like him; I do still really like him. And everything was actually going pretty well considering the distance between us.

But then Michael...I started talking to him again like 2 months after our incredibly bad finish. I thought he hated me, but I hated the idea of leaving things so bad between us. So after a long cool off period, I thought maybe we could fix things...Simple, right? Wrong. Michael nicely fessed up to still liking me. And how he'd never stopped. Complicating my feelings for him again. But I thought, that's okay, he know's about Gary, so we can still be friends. A few days later, he asked if we can go back to how we were :/ and I told him no. I was certain that I wouldn't go back to him. And I thought how it's still all okay. We can still be friends.

One day last week, I was laying in bed, totally unable to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about Michael. And about how I wasn't sure if I'd made the right decision. I mean what if Michael is the right guy for me? I found myself texting him telling him that I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking of him. And he found that cute...I told myself that was a one off relapse, and nothing like that would happen again.

Two nights ago, I was there in bed, and I guess I just wasn't thinking. I texted him. That I wanted him there. And I found myself slipping back into old ways with him. It was just so easy to do so. And it actually made me so happy.

But like a couple hours after I stopped texting him, Gary came back from a gig. And he asked me if i was still up for him taking me out when I was back home. I said yes.

And once again, I told myself that the Michael thing was me just slipping up, and it would not happen again.

In bed last night freezing cold. "Come warm me up? Please. xxxxx" To Michael. Again. Once again "slipping up". And then once again a few hours after I stopped texting Michael, Gary came back from another gig very drunk. And started talking about wanting to be here with me, and about taking me out.

I feel so bad right now.

I haven't spoken to either of them today.

Other than when I first woke up and texted Michael telling him I was disappointed he wasn't laying in bed next to me, because my dream lead me to believe he was there...But luckily he didn't reply, so I had no chance to go back to that.

I'm a bitch.

And I'm with Gary.

I've thought long about this. And I can't always go back to Michael every time he snaps his fingers. It's just not right to.

Ugh, I'm badly messed up...

xxx